Friday, March 30, 2012

Mommy when the Doctor gets done with your boobies can we do bubbles

It's that simple right?! Oh how I wish it was, but at least for my 3 yr old it is. We were on our way to my Pre-op appt this past Monday when she was playing with my phone and while never looking up she asked me this. At least I'm doing a good job prepping the kids as best as I can right? My son (12) told me tonight that he can't wait for me to have my surgery. While I have a few ideas as to why (I can quit being cranky, we can stop talking about it, etc...) I asked why and he simply says "so we can a gallon of half and half tea here while you're recovering". Yep, think its fair to say that we've at least prepared them up to this point. Of course, we have new roads to navigate following Mon but we feel pretty good as parents regarding this.

Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.

Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.

I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Plastics

I realize that I hadn't yet published my Plastic surgeon consultation yet.  I wanted to wait till I could get to the real computer to do so :)
I had already decided on the plastic surgeon BEFORE going to see him.  I had a friend go through breast cancer treatments not even a year ago and it is who she used, so unless he was a total douche, I had pre-decided. It's all about who you know right?! Anywho, I did all my homework...looked him up...did a background on him...looked at pics...prepared my questions...done. I'll start by addressing that he's a looker. Seriously, he's probably right up there in the "pretty department" with Mc Steamy/Mc Dreamy. Luckily he's much more intelligent than cute seeing as how his looks isn't what will be reconstructing mine :)
He walked in..."Good morning...I'm Dr. Meade nice to meet you. Ok I see here that you are here to discuss a PBM (prophylatic bilaterial mastectomy)...smart girl :)" I answer "yes and thanks". He follows with "BRCA 1?" Me "Yep". Then he says "It says that you are a 36 (?)" Ok let me stop here, of course I am omitting my size because even though I'm open, I'm still a tad modest and well I just don't know if I want the people I know that read this to know my size. Oddly enough, I'm somewhat more comfortable with the strangers that will read this...you know...I don't have to see yall!  Dr Meade was unsure that I was correct (I guess because of just looking at me sitting there covered) and said, "hmm, lets just see..." he pulls back the curtains AND "ok....there they are". I was like what is he talking about?! I know what size I am, I haul these things around on a daily basis! I was prepared for what came next. I had gone for a breast lift consult in the past so when he pulled out this tiny little retractable tape measure I knew what was next. MEASURE!!! Oh how fun it is for someone to measure EVERY POSSIBLE MEASUREMENT that a boob can offer up and then to think that he has to do it twice! He proceeds to call out all of the measurements to his assistant and when he got to the measurement of "distance" well let's just say it was a low moment...very low :-/.
Dr. M goes on right in to it. Goes over where and what we're removing. Confirms that because of the BRCA I'm not a candidate to keep my nipples. I wasn't surprised. The breast surgeon had prepared me for that at her visit. I was very sad about this. Google nippleless breast and you'll see why :). All kidding aside...don't. It can't be helped, they can be reconstructed and they still hold the 87% chance of giving be BC if they STAY! So...what's a nipple or two right? Small price to pay to "seal the deal". He did propose an interesting option that even with all of my research I hadn't come across. He asked what my thoughts were on an Areola-Sparring procedure. It was like a skid in a record, I just blinked and looked at him.  What had he just said?? Up till now I had never really thought about the nipple and areola being two separate pieces! Let me process...to spare means to keep and to keep means to not be totally nipple area-ish less?! HELL YES!! When I came out of my mini coma I almost cried. For the 1 week following my oncology appt, where she told me that I was to have a "non-nipple sparring" procedure, I cried alot and prepared to look undefined for about 6 months. You don't think about it mattering until someone says that they're taking them away. Do you remember Barbie from the 80's? Before Mattel decided that the Barbie of today needed to be "decent"? Before they painted on a cami and a brief? Well, the Barbies I had, had none of that. She just had her tan plastic body, undefined, under all of her awesome outfits. I of course noticed that the plastic doll didn't look like us...that would just be too inappropriate! This all came crashing down on me as I prepared to look like (even temporarily) her. Two skin mounds, not breast...not immediately reseambling them anyways. I don't care how secure or insecure someone claims to be, facing the reality of becoming nippleless, missing distinguishing marks on what are supposed to be breast, just knocks the air out of ya. It was like Christmas when Dr. Meade offered up this gift. Now to clarify, an areola-sparring procedure is where they remove your nipple but you keep just that, your Areola. Crazy right?! I laugh as I write this because this shit is JUST FASINATING!! Lord Jesus...Thank you for making Dr Meade a crazy intelligent, humbly courageous doctor...and better yet for leading him to me through an amazing girl like "J"!! Now it will be tricky and it may not work, but Dr. M says that he feels confident that it will work will do everything in his power to make sure that it does. He did say that it is risky, not to me, but to the areola itself. They are removing most of the remaining part of the breast (skin's)blood supply but removing everything that make a breast a breast (fat and tissue). Then he has to cut off the areola remove the nipple, and place it back on in a new area, an area that is struggling for blood and now would have to share what little blood it has with the relocated areola. With this procedure, he will be doing the "Lift" cut. It is a vertical line coming from the areola to below the breast. So to look at me when I'm done, it will look like I just had a breast lift. They also do this cut with a breast reductions too. With typical mastectomies, they cut horizontally. Without the nipple/areola, each breast looks like and eye with it's lids shut :-/. Whew, glad its him not me. I get stressed when clients want me to pull off what I think is the impossible and I just do hair! In all seriousness, he feels like it will work and so do I.  If it doesn't you're wondering? Well, he'll know within a week and if it doesn't work (areola dies) then he has to remove it (cut it off). If that happens, then I go the "Barbie" route and I have peace with that. Period.
It's not like they don't do amazing nipple/areola reconstructions, because they do! It's amazing! I guess it's about getting to keep something and not looking like a total freak!
I struggle with this vain feeling. Hear me clearly, I choose this surgery because I choose to live with out the fear of Breast Cancer taking me from my family. So by choosing this I know that I should be happy with ANY discomfort to me phyically and emotionally just to have peace of mind...and I do! I've been on that side...the "C" side. Living... with nausea, no hair, fear...is still "living". So I'll always do anything to "live". I'll remove my natural breast and put in implants...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice! If I don't get to keep my areolas, then I'll gladly cut them off...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice. I HAVE CHOICES! I'm so grateful this time I have choices.

Monday, March 12, 2012

April 2

3 weeks from TODAY, I have a date with a wonderfully kind Oncological Breast Surgeon and an awesomely straight forward, heart for Breast Cancer and Pre-Cancerous people Plastic Surgeon! I will go that Monday to Dallas, stay over night and mark 2 things off my list...ha! Right now it's scheduled for afternoon but it may be moved up to the morning which we are obviously hoping for!

My emotions are a daily thing, if not hour by hour. I have some fun things that are starting that are occupying my time. For instance I went to a wedding shower this past weekend for a friend that has been engaged 3 YEARS! Finally right?! It was great, what a family FULL of chaos but also lots of love. This coming weekend my husband participates in a HUGE parade in Dallas for St Patrick's Day. He is a firefighter and he marches with the Pipes and Drums Brigade. Us wives watch from the sidelines along with about another 50,000 or more people cheering them on and drinking beginning at 9 am! We travel then to the area pubs where the Brigade plays for the people and the establishment. We celebrate, eat and drink more and then we go to our hotel where we stay overnight and then go to have a nice dinner with great friends! Two weekends later we my husband and his friend will participate in a challenge that is 12 miles of craziness, mud, walls, electricity?!?! It's the Tough Mudder and claims to be the craziest and most difficult of all the crazy challenges! That will be fun cheering them on for that as well. It will be just 2 days before MY big day. See, I have a few things that will keep me busy that I'm looking forward to! I purposely waited till after March so that I could enjoy a few things.

I am ready to begin this journey. I would say "ready to get it over with" but since it will be about an 8-9 month process I think I would just setting myself up for frustration. Over with would be just that...surgery then done. Beginning would be just that...have the 1st of 3 (possibly 4) surgeries. I'm ready or as ready as I'm going to be anyway.

I still have to write about the Plastic appt but I don't think I can blog that in my phone. I will probably need the computer for that one :). Soon, soon...

Monday, March 5, 2012

Excuse me Mammogram

Thank you mammogram machine but I'll take my boobs back now thanks! I guess you can tell that I had a Mamm today. Never had one before and super glad that, as far as medicine knows for now, I won't ever have another one hallelujah! Now I know that we can do anything that we have to do even when it's unpleasant but this was just unreal. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, laugh, scream, punch the lady or what. So many emotions at once. One emotion that I kind of feel bad about was that I was SOOO angry at the father who gave me this mutation that I just wanted to punch him in the face! Ok, one set of issues at a time I know but I honestly had a moment where I felt so awkward in that machine and thought this shouldn't be happening. I'm 34 I should have 6 more years before I need to do this but here I stand sandwiched between a metal and plastic plate holding my breath with my thoughts!! Oh lord my "thoughts". The whole experience was weird though. I have to say, never having been to any other mammogram center, the Cass center in Dallas is nice. They've done a great job making it feel very feminine. I got an I.D. bracelet and we were called just like the animals on Noah's boat, two by two. So they check to make sure we are who we are and they old lady goes through her carefully scripted meticulously spoken spill. She walks us to another holding area where she tells to go into a room, undress from waist up and wipe our arms if we used deodorant. She reminded us that we were provided spray deodorant for when we were done. Then we needed to pick a locker and place our belongings in there and to keep the key. Ok so now we wait and it's a pretty short wait. Then I'm called and I go in. The tech tells me that I have 4 images to take and then we're done and the radiologist will let me know if we need to take more pics. So I go out to wait and comes out and says "we need to get a few more images, there were some areas of concern on your left side.." WTF!!! I about died...curve ball..did not see that one coming. I go in and she pulls out these super duper flattening out plates and she cranks it down. Oh boy..these were worse than the first! She tells me to go back out and wait. When we were on the back to do the second image I say to that I wondered if it was because of scar tissue from the portacath that used to be in my chest and answered quickly "no". I was terrified. See, I'm in mission mode and my mission is to remove my breast and ovaries to almost ELIMINATE my chances of ever having those cancers. I hadn't considered that they may "find something". I was sick. She came back and hands me the films with a slip that reads "Negative for suspicious cancerous finding.." or something like that. Yea! I'm finally "Negative" for something! I went back to the dressing room, cried, sprayed my stinky pits with the deodorant and left. Those scary 10 min I sat and waited only confirmed my decision to do the surgery. I can't imagine going the "Surveillance" route and having to get a Mamm every 6 mo forever. Will they see something "suspicious" every time or just this time?! I can't do that. First of all it hurts secondly it's nerve racking! The surgery in my opinion is the only way to go!

I went to the Plastic Surgeon last Thurs. I will blog about that soon. :)