Hello 2013! I would say "I've been waiting for you..", but this would suggest that all of this surgery mess is over. You know what, if life's taught me ANYTHING, don't assume ANYTHING and be flexible with your plans! I do hope that this BRCA surgery stuff is over BUT if it isn't then I'll roll with it. I set myself up BIG TIME with my 2nd surgery in thinking that that one was going to be my last at least regarding the breast. Ha! That was so naive and completely my fault. If I do face more tweaking or tucking or filling via "surgery" then so be it. The only difference in my thought process this time (currently) is I'm not pausing anymore! I'm tired of that. I'm over what I think are the biggest surgical hurdles of this BRCA journey and for That I'm so thankful :)
I am 3 weeks out, TODAY, from a full Hysterectomy (opted for this verses a BSO--Bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy) and bilateral Fat Grafting/lipo (from sides of waist to harvest), Nipple Reconstruction, and skin removal from sides (beneath arm pits in line with where the sides of a bra would be). Let me say...this surgery was a doozy! It was A LOT to do at once and took longer than what they thought it would. I had a few, relatively minor complications. I had to stay over night, which was planned but I had to go home with a urine catheter for 6 DAYS! That was terrible and depressing. If you've had one you know. There was a lot of scar tissue between my Uterus and Bladder and it caused my surgeon to have to cut very closely to the Bladder. He didn't want my Bladder to be over stressed therefore...the catheter. I took it out on Christmas Eve. I really felt like it limited my recovery, at least mentally, that first week. Once it was out, I started to progress. Christmas Day was decent (Jason and I had good faces on for the kids)! I just really didn't feel good after this particular surgery! It wasn't as bad as the first (Double Mastectomy) but MUCH harder than the second one (Exchange Surgery). This one took a little over 5 hrs as opposed to the planned 3. It was HELL HELL HELL for about a week and a half.
Another fear was the dreaded MENOPAUSE!!! So far so good I will say. I opted for the Hysterectomy because 1. I'm done having kids. You only need a Uterus for that and for nothing else so... 2. The surgeon was already in there..why not?! 3. If I was eligible for HRT (hormone replacement therapy), then it has to be a combo drug of Estrogen AND Progesterone. Here's the problem...us "BRCA" people shouldn't take Progesterone because it strongly contributes to breast cancer therefore making elective double mastectomies unproductive! If you still have your Uterus you have to have this combo HRT because Estrogen ALONE contributes to Uterine cancer...ughh. Solution, at least for me and I think that is the only obvious choice, is a full hysterectomy because if I DO NEED some HRT, then I can take Estrogen (alone) via the patch. Estrogen has shown to lower BC chances (which I need and if you're not deemed Estrogen sensitive) contrary to what I've alway thought and it'll control hot flashes if that becomes a problem. GOOD NEWS... I haven't had any problems yet and haven't needed the "patch"!
Now for the breast. The nipple reconstruction is a trip! It's so crazy and amazing. You may remember if you've been following or if you haven't, I had an Areola Sparing procedure during the first surgery back in April. They survived and have regained all their natural pigmentation and even wrinkle when cold (which I can't feel but have just seen this happen after the shower etc). I think this is truly miraculous! I won't go into details on the Areola Sparing procedure, because I have in entries past, but if you're curious or concerned..google it. Bottom line is they're not breast tissue and its COMPLETELY safe! Dr Meade carved "nipples" out of MY existing Areola skin and now that "area" of my reconstructed breast is me, ALL ME! It's the little things right...even if the "little" things are Nipples! The scars are REALLY angry looking but they'll get better, luckily I scar well. Finally something I'm good at!! ;). I'm very uneven right now (which would require more surgery if it doesn't level out) but for now I will be a patient Patient.
I titled the "New-tral" this way because I'm just that... Neutral. This may sound negative but it's not its neutral. I've always based things, anything, on these expectations and for the most part they never work out and I'm always disappointed and angry. I've been all over the place in this BRCA journey and its been controlled my "expectations". I won't expand on this because I don't think it's difficult to figure out that my expectation led me to disappointment...almost every time! So I'm just going to go with it. If I'm COMPLETELY done, then that will be determined at a later date, not now. If I need another surgery or surgeries, then so be it. It is what it is. One day this will all be an experience that I've had, that I learned and grew from and will hopefully be able to help someone else from and an experience that will be OVER. This will all be determined later as well. As far as being "positive", this is positive for me...seriously.
What's next??? Well, in the next month or two, I hope to resume running (slowly of course). I'll start out with my walking routes and then slowly incorporate the running. I'm excited for this and I'm proud of myself for thinking ahead and not thinking about now. I also intend to work on getting strong. I need a strong body as much as I need food, water, sleep and love. My 35 year old body has been through A LOT since April 2, 2012 and I am very weak as a result. I kicked off my surgery fest back in Aug 2011 with a Tummy Tuck, so this added TO the BRCA surgeries has been A LOT a lot! You know what, that's ok. Really. As weak as I feel, I must be pretty strong though. I think it's probably "drive" as much as anything and this suggest that the mind is indeed a powerful thing in over coming problems. I'm going to need to remember this BECAUSE I plan on using CrossFit to get my body strong and I think my body is probably going to hate me :). It's hard, really hard. Don't know what CrossFit is, look it up, it's amazing. When I do begin this Body Recovery process, I will most likely document it here as I feel that some may read this blog and you need to see all of this shit come full circle! So stay tuned!
So now that I intend on getting my body healthy and balanced, I will also be working on balancing other aspects of my life. I will focus on NOT pleasing everyone else but myself. I am going to try to stop worrying if someone doesn't like what I say or do or if I can't accommodate them. It's impossible to think I can win in all areas like these! I'll have to find a balance in doing what I can do and being ok with it not always working out. This is hard for me and I spend a lot of mental time worrying about pleasing, disappointing, fixing, tolerating, controlling, and obsessing over people and things. I can't do this anymore and I won't. This year I've had friends and family SHOCK me in how selfish they can be. Seriously! But you know what, that's ok....I can only control how that effects me. If I can remove breast and ovaries and a uterus and skin...then I can remove people. People, even family, can be as destructive as these body pieces were going to be to me and I cut them off and out without pause. This oddly gives me peace when I'm faced with struggling with a person in my life, whether friend or family, I can just simply remove them. It's that simple. Life's too short, fragile and unpredictable and for a girl like me, I don't have time to spend on bullshit anymore :)
