Hello 2013! I would say "I've been waiting for you..", but this would suggest that all of this surgery mess is over. You know what, if life's taught me ANYTHING, don't assume ANYTHING and be flexible with your plans! I do hope that this BRCA surgery stuff is over BUT if it isn't then I'll roll with it. I set myself up BIG TIME with my 2nd surgery in thinking that that one was going to be my last at least regarding the breast. Ha! That was so naive and completely my fault. If I do face more tweaking or tucking or filling via "surgery" then so be it. The only difference in my thought process this time (currently) is I'm not pausing anymore! I'm tired of that. I'm over what I think are the biggest surgical hurdles of this BRCA journey and for That I'm so thankful :)
I am 3 weeks out, TODAY, from a full Hysterectomy (opted for this verses a BSO--Bilateral Salpingo Oophorectomy) and bilateral Fat Grafting/lipo (from sides of waist to harvest), Nipple Reconstruction, and skin removal from sides (beneath arm pits in line with where the sides of a bra would be). Let me say...this surgery was a doozy! It was A LOT to do at once and took longer than what they thought it would. I had a few, relatively minor complications. I had to stay over night, which was planned but I had to go home with a urine catheter for 6 DAYS! That was terrible and depressing. If you've had one you know. There was a lot of scar tissue between my Uterus and Bladder and it caused my surgeon to have to cut very closely to the Bladder. He didn't want my Bladder to be over stressed therefore...the catheter. I took it out on Christmas Eve. I really felt like it limited my recovery, at least mentally, that first week. Once it was out, I started to progress. Christmas Day was decent (Jason and I had good faces on for the kids)! I just really didn't feel good after this particular surgery! It wasn't as bad as the first (Double Mastectomy) but MUCH harder than the second one (Exchange Surgery). This one took a little over 5 hrs as opposed to the planned 3. It was HELL HELL HELL for about a week and a half.
Another fear was the dreaded MENOPAUSE!!! So far so good I will say. I opted for the Hysterectomy because 1. I'm done having kids. You only need a Uterus for that and for nothing else so... 2. The surgeon was already in there..why not?! 3. If I was eligible for HRT (hormone replacement therapy), then it has to be a combo drug of Estrogen AND Progesterone. Here's the problem...us "BRCA" people shouldn't take Progesterone because it strongly contributes to breast cancer therefore making elective double mastectomies unproductive! If you still have your Uterus you have to have this combo HRT because Estrogen ALONE contributes to Uterine cancer...ughh. Solution, at least for me and I think that is the only obvious choice, is a full hysterectomy because if I DO NEED some HRT, then I can take Estrogen (alone) via the patch. Estrogen has shown to lower BC chances (which I need and if you're not deemed Estrogen sensitive) contrary to what I've alway thought and it'll control hot flashes if that becomes a problem. GOOD NEWS... I haven't had any problems yet and haven't needed the "patch"!
Now for the breast. The nipple reconstruction is a trip! It's so crazy and amazing. You may remember if you've been following or if you haven't, I had an Areola Sparing procedure during the first surgery back in April. They survived and have regained all their natural pigmentation and even wrinkle when cold (which I can't feel but have just seen this happen after the shower etc). I think this is truly miraculous! I won't go into details on the Areola Sparing procedure, because I have in entries past, but if you're curious or concerned..google it. Bottom line is they're not breast tissue and its COMPLETELY safe! Dr Meade carved "nipples" out of MY existing Areola skin and now that "area" of my reconstructed breast is me, ALL ME! It's the little things right...even if the "little" things are Nipples! The scars are REALLY angry looking but they'll get better, luckily I scar well. Finally something I'm good at!! ;). I'm very uneven right now (which would require more surgery if it doesn't level out) but for now I will be a patient Patient.
I titled the "New-tral" this way because I'm just that... Neutral. This may sound negative but it's not its neutral. I've always based things, anything, on these expectations and for the most part they never work out and I'm always disappointed and angry. I've been all over the place in this BRCA journey and its been controlled my "expectations". I won't expand on this because I don't think it's difficult to figure out that my expectation led me to disappointment...almost every time! So I'm just going to go with it. If I'm COMPLETELY done, then that will be determined at a later date, not now. If I need another surgery or surgeries, then so be it. It is what it is. One day this will all be an experience that I've had, that I learned and grew from and will hopefully be able to help someone else from and an experience that will be OVER. This will all be determined later as well. As far as being "positive", this is positive for me...seriously.
What's next??? Well, in the next month or two, I hope to resume running (slowly of course). I'll start out with my walking routes and then slowly incorporate the running. I'm excited for this and I'm proud of myself for thinking ahead and not thinking about now. I also intend to work on getting strong. I need a strong body as much as I need food, water, sleep and love. My 35 year old body has been through A LOT since April 2, 2012 and I am very weak as a result. I kicked off my surgery fest back in Aug 2011 with a Tummy Tuck, so this added TO the BRCA surgeries has been A LOT a lot! You know what, that's ok. Really. As weak as I feel, I must be pretty strong though. I think it's probably "drive" as much as anything and this suggest that the mind is indeed a powerful thing in over coming problems. I'm going to need to remember this BECAUSE I plan on using CrossFit to get my body strong and I think my body is probably going to hate me :). It's hard, really hard. Don't know what CrossFit is, look it up, it's amazing. When I do begin this Body Recovery process, I will most likely document it here as I feel that some may read this blog and you need to see all of this shit come full circle! So stay tuned!
So now that I intend on getting my body healthy and balanced, I will also be working on balancing other aspects of my life. I will focus on NOT pleasing everyone else but myself. I am going to try to stop worrying if someone doesn't like what I say or do or if I can't accommodate them. It's impossible to think I can win in all areas like these! I'll have to find a balance in doing what I can do and being ok with it not always working out. This is hard for me and I spend a lot of mental time worrying about pleasing, disappointing, fixing, tolerating, controlling, and obsessing over people and things. I can't do this anymore and I won't. This year I've had friends and family SHOCK me in how selfish they can be. Seriously! But you know what, that's ok....I can only control how that effects me. If I can remove breast and ovaries and a uterus and skin...then I can remove people. People, even family, can be as destructive as these body pieces were going to be to me and I cut them off and out without pause. This oddly gives me peace when I'm faced with struggling with a person in my life, whether friend or family, I can just simply remove them. It's that simple. Life's too short, fragile and unpredictable and for a girl like me, I don't have time to spend on bullshit anymore :)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Surgery #3 tomorrow
Well, I'm going in tomorrow for my 3rd and hopefully final surgery! I'm optimistic and if I've learned anything from my second surgery, it's to not expect anything other than it ALL takes time.
I am up fighting sleep obsessing about my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm intentional trying to think about stuff lol!
Here are my thoughts...Surgery, menopause, hormone replacement, fat grafting, being sore, remembering it only last a little while, implant adjusting, new nips and will they look like I envision, Christmas, bringing in 2013 AND moving on. I'm even a little sorrowful that my fertility is really over. Bare in mind I've had my tubes tied so what the hell right?? It's been a crazy 8 months. I've made use of my insurance deductible being met and have gone to 7 drs for the last 7 Mondays! 3 weeks ago I found out that after 11 years of Cardiomyopathy stabilization, my heart function had dropped some. I am now on 2 heart pills as a result :(. It's all good though because I REFUSE to let this effect me! I was understandably disappointed and sad hearing this, as it makes mad about the Leukemia ALL OVER AGAIN, but I refuse to let it stop all that I have planned for myself!
I have not run in a while but you know what that's ok. Luckily running involves feet not boobs so come Feb I'm off :) I've replaced my running with reading at the time and I really enjoy it! I also plan to start Crossfit. I'm super scared to do so but I'm ALWAYS scared about something and I find the strength to do what I gotta do! During all of this, I have learned things about myself..some good some bad but regardless self awareness is important right? I'm learning to let shit go, and I'm learning to let people in and trust. Now for those of you who know me well, don't scoff. It may not always be on display but believe me, the thoughts in my head are changing...slowly :). I'm still a worrier though, not sure that'll ever change. I'm a "baggage" packer so before I even have any issues to worry about, I'm ready.
I'm starting to really build relationships with my long lost siblings who are interested in knowing me and my family :) There are a couple of hold outs but I can't waist any time on that and won't.
All in all, I'm feeling much better about my foobs and I continue to pray and hope for a good outcome in the end, whenever that may be!
I am up fighting sleep obsessing about my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm intentional trying to think about stuff lol!
Here are my thoughts...Surgery, menopause, hormone replacement, fat grafting, being sore, remembering it only last a little while, implant adjusting, new nips and will they look like I envision, Christmas, bringing in 2013 AND moving on. I'm even a little sorrowful that my fertility is really over. Bare in mind I've had my tubes tied so what the hell right?? It's been a crazy 8 months. I've made use of my insurance deductible being met and have gone to 7 drs for the last 7 Mondays! 3 weeks ago I found out that after 11 years of Cardiomyopathy stabilization, my heart function had dropped some. I am now on 2 heart pills as a result :(. It's all good though because I REFUSE to let this effect me! I was understandably disappointed and sad hearing this, as it makes mad about the Leukemia ALL OVER AGAIN, but I refuse to let it stop all that I have planned for myself!
I have not run in a while but you know what that's ok. Luckily running involves feet not boobs so come Feb I'm off :) I've replaced my running with reading at the time and I really enjoy it! I also plan to start Crossfit. I'm super scared to do so but I'm ALWAYS scared about something and I find the strength to do what I gotta do! During all of this, I have learned things about myself..some good some bad but regardless self awareness is important right? I'm learning to let shit go, and I'm learning to let people in and trust. Now for those of you who know me well, don't scoff. It may not always be on display but believe me, the thoughts in my head are changing...slowly :). I'm still a worrier though, not sure that'll ever change. I'm a "baggage" packer so before I even have any issues to worry about, I'm ready.
I'm starting to really build relationships with my long lost siblings who are interested in knowing me and my family :) There are a couple of hold outs but I can't waist any time on that and won't.
All in all, I'm feeling much better about my foobs and I continue to pray and hope for a good outcome in the end, whenever that may be!
Monday, September 24, 2012
Post op Appt today
In the car on the way to Dallas to see Dr Meade. Can help but feel like I'm preparing for battle as I am unhappy about MANY things. I want better understanding of my situation which is such a weird thing to say right? I'm ran here I am almost 6 months from my first surgery and there still things I need more clarification on! I'm an over thinker so naturally I won't be happy till I twist my mind up in thoughts over this.
I was so nervous about my Exchange surgery and I had such HIGH hopes (not thinking that was unreasonable) and I'm so disappointed. At what specifically I'm not even sure. Again, sounds crazy I know. I think I'm walking a fine line, once again, of being realistic (I guess??) and picky/perfection. Ah ha...there it is! Perfection! I've never really had a good body image and I was comfortable with that but here was this "situation" I found myself in. I was going to have a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. Here's my chance to ditch these large, saggy, almost vacant boobs for a COMPLETELY new pair! Bittersweet!
Hopefully when I get there the doc and I will be able to go over my list of concerns and come up with a plan to solve some if not all the issues.
Pray for me, Jason AND Dr Meade. If you don't do that, then wish us ALL luck ;)
I was so nervous about my Exchange surgery and I had such HIGH hopes (not thinking that was unreasonable) and I'm so disappointed. At what specifically I'm not even sure. Again, sounds crazy I know. I think I'm walking a fine line, once again, of being realistic (I guess??) and picky/perfection. Ah ha...there it is! Perfection! I've never really had a good body image and I was comfortable with that but here was this "situation" I found myself in. I was going to have a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. Here's my chance to ditch these large, saggy, almost vacant boobs for a COMPLETELY new pair! Bittersweet!
Hopefully when I get there the doc and I will be able to go over my list of concerns and come up with a plan to solve some if not all the issues.
Pray for me, Jason AND Dr Meade. If you don't do that, then wish us ALL luck ;)
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Exchange Surgery
Well I had my exchange surgery this past Monday. I had the Expanders taken out and the Implants were put in their place. My right side had a few complications from the beginning so Dr Meade had to correct some of that and remove more skin and cut out scar tissue therefore my incision is MUCH larger/longer than the original. What's the big deal right?! I'm already scarred out the wazoo so what's a little more. Seriously though, as long as Jason doesn't mind a few dents on this can, that's all that should matter. Dr Meade also Fat Grafted from the sides (upper next to boobs beneath arms...where I like to think that my old boobs moved to after I finished breast feeding because I had a WHOLE lot more over there than in the front just sayin) and on the backside of the love handle/hip areas. Holy shit is it sore. I know that the end result of these lipo'd areas will look great but right now it's...wow! I woke up with a compression garment on much like the one I had after my Tummy Tuck. Did I mention that before? I had a TT last Aug. So by the end of this Dec (following my next surgery) I will have had 4 biggies in a year :) Go big or go home right?
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
I'm Back!
I haven't blogged since May but not for any particular reasons other than being busy.
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Work Experience
5 weeks out.
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Slow
That's it "slow". I'm slow. If you know me, this isn't a word that I would be proud to be described as nor am I proud to describe myself as this. Not until you're "slow" do you realize that you rush and do everything as fast as you can on a daily basis. I don't try to be this way BUT apparently that is just my personality type?! So..I'm struggling with this. You would think that with as many life bullets I've dodged in my adulthood, that I wouldn't be in a hurry to get done with a day or get over an event or rush my kids, family...check off my check list?! I should slowww down and "be" in a conversation with a friend or stop and read a book to my 3 year old (I do this one but ya know...) eat slower, walk slower, talk slower, slow my thoughts...this is all hard for me. Now, I would NEVER want to be so laid back that I get nothing done or be lazy but a little slower wouldn't hurt I suppose. I even physically write slower right now because you don't realize that you engage your peck muscles to do that!
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random
I think I'm manic (probably just excited about getting the infamous drain out tomorrow) but I can't wait till tomorrow at 8:30 am when I call and head to big D to get this biatch OUT! Wooooo!!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Still Have A Drain
Like it says, it's still there. Dr Meade thinks that I look "beautiful" (for what this stage all is) and that I'm healing just like I'm supposed to! My right breast is visibly bruised and he thinks that coupled with the areolas trying to heal, that why all the fluid accumulation. Makes sense. He decided to do an expansion "fill" today for therapeutic reasons. It was in effort to create less space in the foob so, if there is less room in the foob (skin, muscle, expander) then less fluid. That's the goal AND hope.
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
Monday, April 16, 2012
2 Weeks...Oh Man
2 weeks ago today I had a Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy (PBM). Man, I barely remember the first week, I remember it wasn't fun, but if I don't have a "clear" recollection of that week it must have been bearable :).
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Better Day
Today was much better..so at 6 days out it was better. I slept all night last night, pretty much. I took a decent nap today and I went to my in-laws tonight for a small Easter celebration. The rain had stopped and we were left with an overcasty cool evening. It was nice and what I needed. I got a little nutty with the 5 kids that were there but they're kids and they were excited!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Changing it up a bit
Ok I don't think that the Hydrocodein/Valium combo is going work. I've done a little better going back to 2 hydros every 5-6 hrs. I was a little nauseous this evening and remembered that I have some phenegren, a low dose..12.5 mg. Regular dose is 25 mg. I was prescribed it to take along with 1 hydrocodein at night when I had my tummy tuck. It wasn't used for nausea then per-say, but that plastic surgeon said that when used with a pain pill/narcotic, it is sort of a catalyst for the pain meds to have a smoother longer lasting effect. I was nauseous tonight so that was my motivation but I quickly remembered the "trick". The Valium kept me up paranoid and I'm pretty sure, hallucinating the last 2 nights, leaving me wrecked and worse off the last 2 mornings. So we'll see if this works :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Post-Op Appt 1
I didn't post yesterday due to being emotional and tired. I'm still those things but I have a little better handle on them at the moment.
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Post-Op Day 1
I'm still here! I really wasn't in any frame of mind to blog last night so I'll hit the highlights. Going into surgery was fine and I was surprisingly calm, well so to speak. I was in quite a bit of pain after surgery. Specifically on my left side. I really feel like that there were serious miscommunications between me and the recovery nurse. I told her that my pain was a "6" and she would just say "yeah, you're going to be there for a few days..." almost condescendingly. I asked what she meant and she replied "at a 5/6 for a few days...". She didn't give me more meds so I had to wait till I got to my room (stayed over night). When I got up there they had to do my vitals even though we just did them in Recovery. The assistant nurse took my left arm out to the side to slip the blood pressure cuff on and sort of jerked it. I screamed! It hurt so effing bad that I almost passed out! He didn't mean to but it set me back some. It freaked my nurse out too so she called for some Morphine and said to do nothing else to me till the Morphine had a chance to work. I got a small amount of relief and we went for it all. I suffered through and they were careful. I never really rested. I had to pee twice that night which is good but Lord was it hard to get up and down! I had a Morphine push every 2 hours from 7:30 till 3. They wanted me to switch to the oral pain meds before I went home to make sure that what I had was going to work. I was scared to (fearing that it wouldn't work and I'd be screwed)but can't take the iv home with me so oral it was. It worked and now the key has been to STAY ON TOP of the meds!!! I'll be honest I'm still working with a 4-6 on the pain number scale. So I've decided that the pain meds aren't going take the pain away, they're just going to let me tolerate it. My husband is so stressed out! I feel so bad for him. He's just so worried and hasn't seen me in pain like that I a long time I guess or ever. For him the worry coupled with past cancer junk. I can understand that.
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
Surgery Day
Headed to Dallas to first get my markings at the plastic surgeon and then to the hospital by 10 am to check-in. They are hoping to start surgery between 11-12:00. Plastic's is hoping to start between 1-2:00. I pray that the start times are the earlier ones. There's really no way to predict because it's Monday, I'm at a big hospital and prior surgeries that may run behind :-/. I haven't had a surgery start later than 7:30 in a long time! I have NO fear of being hungry but thirsty?!
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Revelations
This one will be short. Maybe? I may be making several entries today as I think of things to unload. I intend for it to be but it may be a novel who knows! You never can tell about me :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
Hello Ding-Bat!!
I felt lonely and wondered why I never have comments lol?! Ok so I'm not Blogger savvy but I realized that I didn't have the "comment" section set up!! Hopefully I've done it right now. If I haven't and you have my info text me and let me know :)
Friday, March 30, 2012
Mommy when the Doctor gets done with your boobies can we do bubbles
It's that simple right?! Oh how I wish it was, but at least for my 3 yr old it is. We were on our way to my Pre-op appt this past Monday when she was playing with my phone and while never looking up she asked me this. At least I'm doing a good job prepping the kids as best as I can right? My son (12) told me tonight that he can't wait for me to have my surgery. While I have a few ideas as to why (I can quit being cranky, we can stop talking about it, etc...) I asked why and he simply says "so we can a gallon of half and half tea here while you're recovering". Yep, think its fair to say that we've at least prepared them up to this point. Of course, we have new roads to navigate following Mon but we feel pretty good as parents regarding this.
Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.
Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.
I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.
Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.
Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.
I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Plastics
I realize that I hadn't yet published my Plastic surgeon consultation yet. I wanted to wait till I could get to the real computer to do so :)
I had already decided on the plastic surgeon BEFORE going to see him. I had a friend go through breast cancer treatments not even a year ago and it is who she used, so unless he was a total douche, I had pre-decided. It's all about who you know right?! Anywho, I did all my homework...looked him up...did a background on him...looked at pics...prepared my questions...done. I'll start by addressing that he's a looker. Seriously, he's probably right up there in the "pretty department" with Mc Steamy/Mc Dreamy. Luckily he's much more intelligent than cute seeing as how his looks isn't what will be reconstructing mine :)
He walked in..."Good morning...I'm Dr. Meade nice to meet you. Ok I see here that you are here to discuss a PBM (prophylatic bilaterial mastectomy)...smart girl :)" I answer "yes and thanks". He follows with "BRCA 1?" Me "Yep". Then he says "It says that you are a 36 (?)" Ok let me stop here, of course I am omitting my size because even though I'm open, I'm still a tad modest and well I just don't know if I want the people I know that read this to know my size. Oddly enough, I'm somewhat more comfortable with the strangers that will read this...you know...I don't have to see yall! Dr Meade was unsure that I was correct (I guess because of just looking at me sitting there covered) and said, "hmm, lets just see..." he pulls back the curtains AND "ok....there they are". I was like what is he talking about?! I know what size I am, I haul these things around on a daily basis! I was prepared for what came next. I had gone for a breast lift consult in the past so when he pulled out this tiny little retractable tape measure I knew what was next. MEASURE!!! Oh how fun it is for someone to measure EVERY POSSIBLE MEASUREMENT that a boob can offer up and then to think that he has to do it twice! He proceeds to call out all of the measurements to his assistant and when he got to the measurement of "distance" well let's just say it was a low moment...very low :-/.
Dr. M goes on right in to it. Goes over where and what we're removing. Confirms that because of the BRCA I'm not a candidate to keep my nipples. I wasn't surprised. The breast surgeon had prepared me for that at her visit. I was very sad about this. Google nippleless breast and you'll see why :). All kidding aside...don't. It can't be helped, they can be reconstructed and they still hold the 87% chance of giving be BC if they STAY! So...what's a nipple or two right? Small price to pay to "seal the deal". He did propose an interesting option that even with all of my research I hadn't come across. He asked what my thoughts were on an Areola-Sparring procedure. It was like a skid in a record, I just blinked and looked at him. What had he just said?? Up till now I had never really thought about the nipple and areola being two separate pieces! Let me process...to spare means to keep and to keep means to not be totally nipple area-ish less?! HELL YES!! When I came out of my mini coma I almost cried. For the 1 week following my oncology appt, where she told me that I was to have a "non-nipple sparring" procedure, I cried alot and prepared to look undefined for about 6 months. You don't think about it mattering until someone says that they're taking them away. Do you remember Barbie from the 80's? Before Mattel decided that the Barbie of today needed to be "decent"? Before they painted on a cami and a brief? Well, the Barbies I had, had none of that. She just had her tan plastic body, undefined, under all of her awesome outfits. I of course noticed that the plastic doll didn't look like us...that would just be too inappropriate! This all came crashing down on me as I prepared to look like (even temporarily) her. Two skin mounds, not breast...not immediately reseambling them anyways. I don't care how secure or insecure someone claims to be, facing the reality of becoming nippleless, missing distinguishing marks on what are supposed to be breast, just knocks the air out of ya. It was like Christmas when Dr. Meade offered up this gift. Now to clarify, an areola-sparring procedure is where they remove your nipple but you keep just that, your Areola. Crazy right?! I laugh as I write this because this shit is JUST FASINATING!! Lord Jesus...Thank you for making Dr Meade a crazy intelligent, humbly courageous doctor...and better yet for leading him to me through an amazing girl like "J"!! Now it will be tricky and it may not work, but Dr. M says that he feels confident that it will work will do everything in his power to make sure that it does. He did say that it is risky, not to me, but to the areola itself. They are removing most of the remaining part of the breast (skin's)blood supply but removing everything that make a breast a breast (fat and tissue). Then he has to cut off the areola remove the nipple, and place it back on in a new area, an area that is struggling for blood and now would have to share what little blood it has with the relocated areola. With this procedure, he will be doing the "Lift" cut. It is a vertical line coming from the areola to below the breast. So to look at me when I'm done, it will look like I just had a breast lift. They also do this cut with a breast reductions too. With typical mastectomies, they cut horizontally. Without the nipple/areola, each breast looks like and eye with it's lids shut :-/. Whew, glad its him not me. I get stressed when clients want me to pull off what I think is the impossible and I just do hair! In all seriousness, he feels like it will work and so do I. If it doesn't you're wondering? Well, he'll know within a week and if it doesn't work (areola dies) then he has to remove it (cut it off). If that happens, then I go the "Barbie" route and I have peace with that. Period.
It's not like they don't do amazing nipple/areola reconstructions, because they do! It's amazing! I guess it's about getting to keep something and not looking like a total freak!
I struggle with this vain feeling. Hear me clearly, I choose this surgery because I choose to live with out the fear of Breast Cancer taking me from my family. So by choosing this I know that I should be happy with ANY discomfort to me phyically and emotionally just to have peace of mind...and I do! I've been on that side...the "C" side. Living... with nausea, no hair, fear...is still "living". So I'll always do anything to "live". I'll remove my natural breast and put in implants...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice! If I don't get to keep my areolas, then I'll gladly cut them off...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice. I HAVE CHOICES! I'm so grateful this time I have choices.
I had already decided on the plastic surgeon BEFORE going to see him. I had a friend go through breast cancer treatments not even a year ago and it is who she used, so unless he was a total douche, I had pre-decided. It's all about who you know right?! Anywho, I did all my homework...looked him up...did a background on him...looked at pics...prepared my questions...done. I'll start by addressing that he's a looker. Seriously, he's probably right up there in the "pretty department" with Mc Steamy/Mc Dreamy. Luckily he's much more intelligent than cute seeing as how his looks isn't what will be reconstructing mine :)
He walked in..."Good morning...I'm Dr. Meade nice to meet you. Ok I see here that you are here to discuss a PBM (prophylatic bilaterial mastectomy)...smart girl :)" I answer "yes and thanks". He follows with "BRCA 1?" Me "Yep". Then he says "It says that you are a 36 (?)" Ok let me stop here, of course I am omitting my size because even though I'm open, I'm still a tad modest and well I just don't know if I want the people I know that read this to know my size. Oddly enough, I'm somewhat more comfortable with the strangers that will read this...you know...I don't have to see yall! Dr Meade was unsure that I was correct (I guess because of just looking at me sitting there covered) and said, "hmm, lets just see..." he pulls back the curtains AND "ok....there they are". I was like what is he talking about?! I know what size I am, I haul these things around on a daily basis! I was prepared for what came next. I had gone for a breast lift consult in the past so when he pulled out this tiny little retractable tape measure I knew what was next. MEASURE!!! Oh how fun it is for someone to measure EVERY POSSIBLE MEASUREMENT that a boob can offer up and then to think that he has to do it twice! He proceeds to call out all of the measurements to his assistant and when he got to the measurement of "distance" well let's just say it was a low moment...very low :-/.
Dr. M goes on right in to it. Goes over where and what we're removing. Confirms that because of the BRCA I'm not a candidate to keep my nipples. I wasn't surprised. The breast surgeon had prepared me for that at her visit. I was very sad about this. Google nippleless breast and you'll see why :). All kidding aside...don't. It can't be helped, they can be reconstructed and they still hold the 87% chance of giving be BC if they STAY! So...what's a nipple or two right? Small price to pay to "seal the deal". He did propose an interesting option that even with all of my research I hadn't come across. He asked what my thoughts were on an Areola-Sparring procedure. It was like a skid in a record, I just blinked and looked at him. What had he just said?? Up till now I had never really thought about the nipple and areola being two separate pieces! Let me process...to spare means to keep and to keep means to not be totally nipple area-ish less?! HELL YES!! When I came out of my mini coma I almost cried. For the 1 week following my oncology appt, where she told me that I was to have a "non-nipple sparring" procedure, I cried alot and prepared to look undefined for about 6 months. You don't think about it mattering until someone says that they're taking them away. Do you remember Barbie from the 80's? Before Mattel decided that the Barbie of today needed to be "decent"? Before they painted on a cami and a brief? Well, the Barbies I had, had none of that. She just had her tan plastic body, undefined, under all of her awesome outfits. I of course noticed that the plastic doll didn't look like us...that would just be too inappropriate! This all came crashing down on me as I prepared to look like (even temporarily) her. Two skin mounds, not breast...not immediately reseambling them anyways. I don't care how secure or insecure someone claims to be, facing the reality of becoming nippleless, missing distinguishing marks on what are supposed to be breast, just knocks the air out of ya. It was like Christmas when Dr. Meade offered up this gift. Now to clarify, an areola-sparring procedure is where they remove your nipple but you keep just that, your Areola. Crazy right?! I laugh as I write this because this shit is JUST FASINATING!! Lord Jesus...Thank you for making Dr Meade a crazy intelligent, humbly courageous doctor...and better yet for leading him to me through an amazing girl like "J"!! Now it will be tricky and it may not work, but Dr. M says that he feels confident that it will work will do everything in his power to make sure that it does. He did say that it is risky, not to me, but to the areola itself. They are removing most of the remaining part of the breast (skin's)blood supply but removing everything that make a breast a breast (fat and tissue). Then he has to cut off the areola remove the nipple, and place it back on in a new area, an area that is struggling for blood and now would have to share what little blood it has with the relocated areola. With this procedure, he will be doing the "Lift" cut. It is a vertical line coming from the areola to below the breast. So to look at me when I'm done, it will look like I just had a breast lift. They also do this cut with a breast reductions too. With typical mastectomies, they cut horizontally. Without the nipple/areola, each breast looks like and eye with it's lids shut :-/. Whew, glad its him not me. I get stressed when clients want me to pull off what I think is the impossible and I just do hair! In all seriousness, he feels like it will work and so do I. If it doesn't you're wondering? Well, he'll know within a week and if it doesn't work (areola dies) then he has to remove it (cut it off). If that happens, then I go the "Barbie" route and I have peace with that. Period.
It's not like they don't do amazing nipple/areola reconstructions, because they do! It's amazing! I guess it's about getting to keep something and not looking like a total freak!
I struggle with this vain feeling. Hear me clearly, I choose this surgery because I choose to live with out the fear of Breast Cancer taking me from my family. So by choosing this I know that I should be happy with ANY discomfort to me phyically and emotionally just to have peace of mind...and I do! I've been on that side...the "C" side. Living... with nausea, no hair, fear...is still "living". So I'll always do anything to "live". I'll remove my natural breast and put in implants...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice! If I don't get to keep my areolas, then I'll gladly cut them off...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice. I HAVE CHOICES! I'm so grateful this time I have choices.
Monday, March 12, 2012
April 2
3 weeks from TODAY, I have a date with a wonderfully kind Oncological Breast Surgeon and an awesomely straight forward, heart for Breast Cancer and Pre-Cancerous people Plastic Surgeon! I will go that Monday to Dallas, stay over night and mark 2 things off my list...ha! Right now it's scheduled for afternoon but it may be moved up to the morning which we are obviously hoping for!
My emotions are a daily thing, if not hour by hour. I have some fun things that are starting that are occupying my time. For instance I went to a wedding shower this past weekend for a friend that has been engaged 3 YEARS! Finally right?! It was great, what a family FULL of chaos but also lots of love. This coming weekend my husband participates in a HUGE parade in Dallas for St Patrick's Day. He is a firefighter and he marches with the Pipes and Drums Brigade. Us wives watch from the sidelines along with about another 50,000 or more people cheering them on and drinking beginning at 9 am! We travel then to the area pubs where the Brigade plays for the people and the establishment. We celebrate, eat and drink more and then we go to our hotel where we stay overnight and then go to have a nice dinner with great friends! Two weekends later we my husband and his friend will participate in a challenge that is 12 miles of craziness, mud, walls, electricity?!?! It's the Tough Mudder and claims to be the craziest and most difficult of all the crazy challenges! That will be fun cheering them on for that as well. It will be just 2 days before MY big day. See, I have a few things that will keep me busy that I'm looking forward to! I purposely waited till after March so that I could enjoy a few things.
I am ready to begin this journey. I would say "ready to get it over with" but since it will be about an 8-9 month process I think I would just setting myself up for frustration. Over with would be just that...surgery then done. Beginning would be just that...have the 1st of 3 (possibly 4) surgeries. I'm ready or as ready as I'm going to be anyway.
I still have to write about the Plastic appt but I don't think I can blog that in my phone. I will probably need the computer for that one :). Soon, soon...
My emotions are a daily thing, if not hour by hour. I have some fun things that are starting that are occupying my time. For instance I went to a wedding shower this past weekend for a friend that has been engaged 3 YEARS! Finally right?! It was great, what a family FULL of chaos but also lots of love. This coming weekend my husband participates in a HUGE parade in Dallas for St Patrick's Day. He is a firefighter and he marches with the Pipes and Drums Brigade. Us wives watch from the sidelines along with about another 50,000 or more people cheering them on and drinking beginning at 9 am! We travel then to the area pubs where the Brigade plays for the people and the establishment. We celebrate, eat and drink more and then we go to our hotel where we stay overnight and then go to have a nice dinner with great friends! Two weekends later we my husband and his friend will participate in a challenge that is 12 miles of craziness, mud, walls, electricity?!?! It's the Tough Mudder and claims to be the craziest and most difficult of all the crazy challenges! That will be fun cheering them on for that as well. It will be just 2 days before MY big day. See, I have a few things that will keep me busy that I'm looking forward to! I purposely waited till after March so that I could enjoy a few things.
I am ready to begin this journey. I would say "ready to get it over with" but since it will be about an 8-9 month process I think I would just setting myself up for frustration. Over with would be just that...surgery then done. Beginning would be just that...have the 1st of 3 (possibly 4) surgeries. I'm ready or as ready as I'm going to be anyway.
I still have to write about the Plastic appt but I don't think I can blog that in my phone. I will probably need the computer for that one :). Soon, soon...
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