In the car on the way to Dallas to see Dr Meade. Can help but feel like I'm preparing for battle as I am unhappy about MANY things. I want better understanding of my situation which is such a weird thing to say right? I'm ran here I am almost 6 months from my first surgery and there still things I need more clarification on! I'm an over thinker so naturally I won't be happy till I twist my mind up in thoughts over this.
I was so nervous about my Exchange surgery and I had such HIGH hopes (not thinking that was unreasonable) and I'm so disappointed. At what specifically I'm not even sure. Again, sounds crazy I know. I think I'm walking a fine line, once again, of being realistic (I guess??) and picky/perfection. Ah ha...there it is! Perfection! I've never really had a good body image and I was comfortable with that but here was this "situation" I found myself in. I was going to have a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. Here's my chance to ditch these large, saggy, almost vacant boobs for a COMPLETELY new pair! Bittersweet!
Hopefully when I get there the doc and I will be able to go over my list of concerns and come up with a plan to solve some if not all the issues.
Pray for me, Jason AND Dr Meade. If you don't do that, then wish us ALL luck ;)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Exchange Surgery
Well I had my exchange surgery this past Monday. I had the Expanders taken out and the Implants were put in their place. My right side had a few complications from the beginning so Dr Meade had to correct some of that and remove more skin and cut out scar tissue therefore my incision is MUCH larger/longer than the original. What's the big deal right?! I'm already scarred out the wazoo so what's a little more. Seriously though, as long as Jason doesn't mind a few dents on this can, that's all that should matter. Dr Meade also Fat Grafted from the sides (upper next to boobs beneath arms...where I like to think that my old boobs moved to after I finished breast feeding because I had a WHOLE lot more over there than in the front just sayin) and on the backside of the love handle/hip areas. Holy shit is it sore. I know that the end result of these lipo'd areas will look great but right now it's...wow! I woke up with a compression garment on much like the one I had after my Tummy Tuck. Did I mention that before? I had a TT last Aug. So by the end of this Dec (following my next surgery) I will have had 4 biggies in a year :) Go big or go home right?
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
I'm Back!
I haven't blogged since May but not for any particular reasons other than being busy.
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Work Experience
5 weeks out.
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Slow
That's it "slow". I'm slow. If you know me, this isn't a word that I would be proud to be described as nor am I proud to describe myself as this. Not until you're "slow" do you realize that you rush and do everything as fast as you can on a daily basis. I don't try to be this way BUT apparently that is just my personality type?! So..I'm struggling with this. You would think that with as many life bullets I've dodged in my adulthood, that I wouldn't be in a hurry to get done with a day or get over an event or rush my kids, family...check off my check list?! I should slowww down and "be" in a conversation with a friend or stop and read a book to my 3 year old (I do this one but ya know...) eat slower, walk slower, talk slower, slow my thoughts...this is all hard for me. Now, I would NEVER want to be so laid back that I get nothing done or be lazy but a little slower wouldn't hurt I suppose. I even physically write slower right now because you don't realize that you engage your peck muscles to do that!
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random
I think I'm manic (probably just excited about getting the infamous drain out tomorrow) but I can't wait till tomorrow at 8:30 am when I call and head to big D to get this biatch OUT! Wooooo!!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Still Have A Drain
Like it says, it's still there. Dr Meade thinks that I look "beautiful" (for what this stage all is) and that I'm healing just like I'm supposed to! My right breast is visibly bruised and he thinks that coupled with the areolas trying to heal, that why all the fluid accumulation. Makes sense. He decided to do an expansion "fill" today for therapeutic reasons. It was in effort to create less space in the foob so, if there is less room in the foob (skin, muscle, expander) then less fluid. That's the goal AND hope.
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
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