Sunday, December 16, 2012

Surgery #3 tomorrow

Well, I'm going in tomorrow for my 3rd and hopefully final surgery! I'm optimistic and if I've learned anything from my second surgery, it's to not expect anything other than it ALL takes time.

I am up fighting sleep obsessing about my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm intentional trying to think about stuff lol!
Here are my thoughts...Surgery, menopause, hormone replacement, fat grafting, being sore, remembering it only last a little while, implant adjusting, new nips and will they look like I envision, Christmas, bringing in 2013 AND moving on. I'm even a little sorrowful that my fertility is really over. Bare in mind I've had my tubes tied so what the hell right?? It's been a crazy 8 months. I've made use of my insurance deductible being met and have gone to 7 drs for the last 7 Mondays! 3 weeks ago I found out that after 11 years of Cardiomyopathy stabilization, my heart function had dropped some. I am now on 2 heart pills as a result :(. It's all good though because I REFUSE to let this effect me! I was understandably disappointed and sad hearing this, as it makes mad about the Leukemia ALL OVER AGAIN, but I refuse to let it stop all that I have planned for myself!

I have not run in a while but you know what that's ok. Luckily running involves feet not boobs so come Feb I'm off :) I've replaced my running with reading at the time and I really enjoy it! I also plan to start Crossfit. I'm super scared to do so but I'm ALWAYS scared about something and I find the strength to do what I gotta do! During all of this, I have learned things about myself..some good some bad but regardless self awareness is important right? I'm learning to let shit go, and I'm learning to let people in and trust. Now for those of you who know me well, don't scoff. It may not always be on display but believe me, the thoughts in my head are changing...slowly :). I'm still a worrier though, not sure that'll ever change. I'm a "baggage" packer so before I even have any issues to worry about, I'm ready.

I'm starting to really build relationships with my long lost siblings who are interested in knowing me and my family :) There are a couple of hold outs but I can't waist any time on that and won't.

All in all, I'm feeling much better about my foobs and I continue to pray and hope for a good outcome in the end, whenever that may be!