Processing

I title it this because that's pretty much where I'm at with this. Let me start off saying that even though I don't struggle communicating ordinarilly, I am really have a hard time right now :-/. My thoughts are all of the place with this stuff. I mean I have only known about this Breast Cancer/BRCA stuff for 2 months. Here's where my head jacks with me....I am NO stranger to life changing on a dime. I've experienced it and seen it, it happens. That's why our older wiser friends caution us about "planning". You plan to grow up, go to college, have a career, get married, have kids, live well into your grand kids lives and then die and go to heaven right? All of that can and at some point usually DOES happen, the order and means of which it happens is the trick especially when it doesn't go according to "plan". "Plan-Busting" isn't always bad, in fact sometimes it's better. Like for instance, there is almost 9 years between our son and daughter. Now this was DEFINITELY not what I planned. I knew there was going to be at least 5 years but not 9 and I will say that for me, I would NEVER change it. I can honestly say that I like their two ages and how they balance out our family style, schedules, needs etc.. Financially we were better prepared for her when she came along. The 3 of us (me, hubby and our son) had been this little team for so long, it was kind of scary bringing someone else on that if G had been younger, I think I would've worried about him and if he would be understanding or not of how much time a baby would need etc. Now nothing was going without hitches but looking back I wouldn't change it! See MY plan worked out, it just did it differently that I "planned" it. Another great example that I REALLY have to focus to see is being diagnosed with Leukemia at the end of my pregnancy. Seriously. It took a while but I've had 12 years to reflect. I can possibly make sense of it in this post or probably not fully outside of my head lol so bare with me. At 22 with a new baby having only been married not quite a year in a half dealing with the worse news ever (well to me). I had some really DARK days for a long time and much of that time was a blur but when I finally rallied and became a participant in my treatments instead of a victim things got a lot better. I can't take the credit however. One of my worse nights at the hospital during treatments when I had all but given into the depression, sadness, nausea, fear, anger I had my first supernatural experience. I heard someone say softly "don't ...please don't give up.." it was not audible like if I were to talk to someone. It startled me because it seemed audible and with me being in the hospital room alone...I wasn't scared though, it couldn't have been worse and hey now I figured that I could officially add crazy to the list of other ailments :). I've mentioned my faith a few times in these posts and I don't feel like I need shove it anyone's face, flaunt it, prove it and so on but that one UGLY night I met the Lord. Cliche I know, tragic event/find faith right? Well for me it wasn't a boom or something dramatic it just this simple request "don't..". I stopped crying and went to sleep. The next day I woke and thought "hey I wonder if there's a bible in the night at a hospital like in a hotel room?" Duh of coarse there is it's a freaking hospital where people are sick and some that are on death's door need to knock on that bible one last time! So I got it out and read and read and read. Lots of crazy details have been omitted but from that time on not only was I healed from Leukemia, God also opened my EYES! I am SUCH a negative person by nature but I have always been able to stop at some point in a crisis (usually later haha)and reflect back to my lowest time. Not saying that the wisdom immediately remedies my behavior in a bad situation but it helps. I will use this God given wisdom now even as I sit and I'm scared, worried, lonely, frustrated, freaked, mad and wait for it...blessed. God took my "I'm 22 and I will have a cute baby, normal pregnancy and be super happy (hear the Pom poms?)" plan and tweaked it. He knew that BECAUSE I'm so negative that I would need a rainbow like Noah to say "hey you hard head! Why are you freaking out? I know that you're scared but remember I've brought you through MUCH harder, even sadder times and I'll get you through this too" how do you argue with that... I want to but I just can't. I know that this long post certainly disputes my "having a hard time communicating" issue. I actually re-read this and it helped and while at the beginning of this post I felt very low (usually do when husband's it home and it's quiet and I'm left with my thoughts)I feel a little clearer and I got to read how "blessed" I am in my own print :)I go tomorrow to the plastic surgeon to discuss how we're all going to resctuct me...wish us luck :)

1 Doctor Down...1 Doctor To Go

I met with the Oncological Breast surgeon on Wed. It went well and since I have done SO MUCH research, I really didn't any questions for her. Her only concern was to make sure, even though I am FOR SURE going through with the the surgery, that I knew there were 2 other options to consider. I tried not to read into her wanting to "inform" me. I asked her if she didn't agree with my choice,even with me laying out what I feel like are VERY obvious reasons, she assured me that she does support my choice. She just wanted me to know that there simply were other options if I didn't want to something as aggressive..ie surgery. As I've stated over and over, I'm having the surgery and make no mistake, it's not with out fear! I'm scared to death BUT it the "death" part that I'm scared of. See I've been there done that. I'm unfortunately all too familiar with the effects cancer has on self, a marriage, kids, and family. It's horrible, even surviving it, it takes A LONG time to heal mentally. I can't do that again. I can't sit and wait for BC or OC to come and invade me. So to comment on the above reference of the doctor wanting me to know that I don't have to "aggressive"...yes I do!
I don't want to paint a negative pic of my doc, she's just simply doing her job and had NO idea that I have devoted a lot of time to researching the BRCA shit. I'm sure she gets alot of people who come in looking for all the answers and she, rightfully so, has to slowly walk everyone through this. Well not this OCD girl :) I like control way too much and since there's nothing I can do to control BRCA, I CAN and WILL arm myself with knowledge on how to navigate my way through it.
As of now surgery will happen on Apr 2nd. That will be just 3 days before my 35th birthday. Wow. What a gift. If you know me, I'm sure you think I'm being a smart ass right now and you'd be partially right. In all honesty this surgery is the best gift a girl, in my position, can get! Seriously! I will give myself a 1% chance (from 87% chance) of never getting BC. I will recover physically and mentally a hell of alot faster from this than I would from actual cancer. I will show my kids how to be strong even while terrified. I get to spare J (husband, if you're a stranger) from going through cancer again, well this cancer at least ;). From a vanity perspective, I get to trade these 35 year old, used and abused breast in for a new pair ha! I'm struggling with the last one a little if I'm being honest :). All the above are great gifts but the best gift is I get to stay healthy and be alive.
The breast surgeon appt was really uneventful now the plastic surgeon appt next Thur however is going to be a riot! Thats when all the nitty gritty gets discussed. Boobs, boobs, boobs...big, medium, small? Saline or Silicone? Skin sparing/non-nipple sparing? Skin sparing/nipple sparing? WHAAATTT?!?!?! There's a reason we are just born with everything..ideally that is. The second we are about to be without something that we are supposed to have as women ie breast, there's a whole lot of stuff to think about! Honestly, other than loathing the fact that they now droop post nursing, I really never think about my boobs! Unfortunately, I better get really comfortable thinking about my boobs really fast :-/. Lord...
Now that I've brought "Him" up. I just want to state openly, I'm not mad at God in the least. I've been asked that a few times. Why would I be? If you have read any of my previous entries I have nothing to feel than gratitude. I am so grateful to have been divinely guided to my sisters to find this out if nothing else. I'm going to be in pain for quite some time sure, but so what? That pales in comparison for what the Lord has done for us and continues to do for me :) I know (because I've read ;) there are tons of scriptures to confirm my above statement but I will spare myself the embarrassment of not quoting and siting them correctly ha. I am very comfortable with the manner in which I know scriptures. Thank goodness God is ok with it too :)
See y'all next Thurs after the Plastic's appt. :)

You're Going to Cut Them Off?!?!

We decided that after talking to the Genetic Counselor and since we were making plans to move forward with other dr and the surgery, that it was time to tell our son. He's 12 and fairly mature. We didn't want to worry about him over hearing us or slipping up and then having to worry about covering it so we decide that telling him NOW was best. We've always set the example of "it may be difficult to be honest, we may not like what we hear and someone may be upset but lying to each other was not an option!" We do this because we want him to know that we'll always shoot it straight him and that we expect the same. Having said all of that, we asked him to come in to the living room because we needed to talk to him. Naturally he was like "what did I do or what did I fail in school...?". We told him that it wasn't anything like that AND it had better stay that way haha! I asked him if he remembered that I was having a test done that had to do with testing my DNA to look to see if I carried a possibility of developing BC? I didn't get into the ovarian, melanoma, and pancreatic part, he's 12 not 34. The BC part is over whelming enough for me let alone a 12 year old processing it! He answered "yes" and said "you have it don't you?" I asked what he meant specifically so that I would only answer what he asked. He was in fact just asking about test for the gene and if I have that gene. I answered him yes. He said "well now what? Will you get or are you going to have BC?". I told him no because there were 3 options for me to choose from. He asked what they were and I went into it all. I told him that I could do the "Surveillance" and get scans every 6 months with the intention of catching it early IF I every become ill with BC. I told him that I could do the "Chemo Prevention" and that it would reduce my percentages some but that I would be on the medicine for ever. I then told him the 3rd option...the elective, radical procedures of PBM and Oophorectomy and that it would reduce my chances to 1% or less. He asked "Wait!...you're gonna cut 'em off?!". I went on to tell him about the percentages, what they are if I do nothing and what they were with each option. He had this crazy glassy eyed look on his face. I could see his wheels turning and turning. It then dawned on me that THAT was ALOT of info for a kid to process! I knew that it would be that way but no one likes to be in the dark or lied to so if someone reading this doesn't agree with our method then oh well :-/. I asked "how ya doin'?" he said "Well I guess fine but which one are you going to do?" I asked with all of the info provided and reminded him of the percentages etc what SHOULD I do? He said the surgeries. I told him that was the decision dad and I had come too and that even though I was scared and that there could be complications I just felt like it was the ONLY option. While the look of confusion was STILL all over his face, he agreed with us. He sat there for a minute and asked "you don't HAVE cancer right now do you?" Even though I can understand why he asked me that, I just hate that he even HAS to ask that. We were careful to lay it all out like.. "prevention, prevention, prevention..". I told him no and once again he asked "are you sure? Do you have it and aren't telling me. I mean, you're getting the surgery and I wouldn't know the difference!". I told him "you would know because I would be bald!". He said "well you've had cancer before so it's not crazy that I think that". He's right. He's smart and analytical and randomly listens to details and he's a worrier by nature although he doesn't always show it. I assured him that AM ok and that I will ALWAYS be honest with him about my health. He said "well, when your 90 you won't have boobs hangin' to you knees!" We laughed and said "you're right?!" He went on with more sentiments like that.. I'll spare you and save myself from some embarrassment but if you can imagine it he said it lol! He's a "come back over and over" kind of person once he knows something. It's how he processes, it's how I process. He had decided that we needed a "safety hug" and maybe a "safe word" again we're "processing". This went off and on till bed time. I asked him to PLEASE not go to school tomorrow and discuss this and he said "um I will NEVER go to school and discuss YOUR body with ANY of my friends...EVER! No worries there!" haha! He's really funny, a sarcastic little jokester actually. This was ok because if he was spending an entire evening "busting" on me, then he was spending an entire evening NOT worrying, in the "doom and gloom" sense. Our 3 year old will be much easier obviously. Not too worried there. She won't even remember! That's my "whole" thing...our son was spared from knowing ANYTHING with the Leukemia. Of course he knows the stories but he doesn't have any knowledge of living it in real time! Another motivating factor for me, and one of the main reasons that I have this one opportunity to spare my kids from this horrible cancer and it's my job as their mother to do so! It's my family, my body and my choice. You don't have to agree, hell, you don't even have to understand. Everyone would do something different. Thank goodness that we're not all the same and that there are other options. I picked the one that I'm comfortable with and the one we feel is the only option for me. I'm so blessed that my husband and kids agree with me and feel the same independently :).

How Did I Get Here?

Let first start with..I'm a quick thinker and can not near type fast enough to keep with my thoughts so if I miss spell a word or skip a word, just bare with me as I may not have the patience to go back and proof what I write :) Ok..I have 5 half siblings. I am the youngest. There are 2 girls (T is 54, G is 52) and 3 boys (B 50, S 46, T 40) and me (34). We ALL share the same dad but I have a different mom...wheww. I was not raise with my siblings or my bio dad so I didn't get to know any of them while growing up.  My dad passed away when I was a senior in HS and I never got the chance to meet him.  Upon learning of his death, I decided that I had to try to meet my brothers and sisters. I proceeded to look them up in the phone book (obviously a while ago lol). I found the middle brother and we planned for everyone to go to lunch for my little meet and greet. He unfortunately wasn't able to make it, but one of the other brothers and the 2 sisters came. It was sort of awkward but nice. I was finally able to put some faces with some names! We left that lunch with no further follow up. There wasn't any particular reason for this other than we were all virtually strangers and they were all busy with young kids and their personal lives I suspected. Five years passed and I reached out again.  I called the same brother (S) that I had made contact with before but this time it was to gain "family health" knowledge because this is when I had Leukemia and it dawned on my mother that she really didn't know anything about my bio dad's family health. He wasn't really that helpful, he just honestly didn't know...men. Anyways, 8 years went by and I thought, I want to know where they all are... again!! I was always frustrated that it was me searching for them and making effort and not them, but life and age gives you perspective (Thank the Lord) and I knew there was simply NO way that they knew how to find me! My last name was legally changed in my teen years to my "step" last name and now I was married.  They didn't know EITHER of those names. So once again I reached out. This time I thought that I would try another sibling (I have plenty to choose from) and I sent a short letter to B (he's up north) on Christmas Eve 2009. I never heard back. I was heart broken. I didn't tell anyone for quite some time because I was embarrassed. I finally told my mom and I just cried. See, I've thought about this people for ever and was just SO curious to know them. I told myself "that's it...no more putting myself out there.." I'd spent 32 years not knowing them so that's just the way it would be from here on out. Let me stop here..if you know me then you know this is a lie...I'M RELENTLESS! Seriously, I'm a serious glutton for punishment! Of course I didn't stop haha! Now I was on facebook. Good old FB! I searched for them before I added ANY friends. But nada..nothing. Now, with 5 siblings SOMEONE'S bound to be on FB right?! I did come across who I thought might be one of the boys (T) but his profile was "private" so I couldn't see anything..damn. Oh well, I would randomly search for them for the 2 years I have been on there. My curiousity was hightened at Christmas time (remember the unanswered letter??) This year would be no different. I seldom get on to FB from the computer but this particular time I did. I thought "what the hell" and I typed in a brother's name and this time a more familar picture was up and low and behold IT WASN'T PRIVATE! Yea!!! I skipped the pics and went straight for the friend's list because if the others were on there then this was my man. Sure enough, the oldest brother (B) and on his, a sister (G) and on her's the other sister (T). I thought wait why aren't they ALL on each other's FBs? I'm I about to tap into people who don't even stay connected themselves?! And then I thought..."Who the hell cares?! I found my people!". I then went back and looked over everyone's pics like I was studying for an exam ha...remember my "curiosity"? To my defense their profiles had been on lock down in the past and I wasn't sure if I would get another chance! When I made it back around to one of the sisters, I noticed that we had and "friend" in common and just like slow motion in a movie I see the "friend" and see where T works...drum roll...she works at my daughter's dance school! Holy Moly how in the hell could this be?! So wait, I've been going to this dance school weekly (Sept-May) of last year and (Sept - current) of this year and I didn't know that my sister was there?  Only in my crazy life does this shit happen! I was alone and it was midnight when I discovered all of this and I could do NOTHING with it! That was a Wed and surprisingly I kept my patience till the next Wed would come so that when we go to dance I would just drop the bomb then...why not. When I got there that day I was really nervous.  What would she say, what would she do, would she be happy, freaked, conflicted, relieved, indifferent, want me to leave the studio, would SHE want to leave the studio, would it go farther than me just being a dance parent??? If you haven't figured it out....I'm a worrier. I feel that it is fairly obvious but I just thought I would throw that out there just in case :). During the time of my discovery, I remembered that sister (T) had gone through breast cancer but thought, well she must be ok because she's there everyday and has hair etc. But I worried that she might not be, so naturally I wanted to check on that too. I went to dance and while all the girls went into the room I had private time to tell T who I was and I was SO relieved that she seemed joyed. She was definitely surprised but not in any of the negative ways that I worried she would be. I proceeded to ask her, "so tell me, you had BC or you have it still? What's going on with that? Are you ok?" T answered yes and filled me in on her current status etc..then she dropped her bomb. Not only did T have BC but so did our other sister G. G had it first, discovered that she tested positive for the mutated BRCA1 gene which is hereditary.  Naturally she encouraged T to be tested and when T was tested and found positive for BRCA1 she was also diagnosed BC. She didn't know. They also conclusively ruled out their mother (they all have the same mom) for having this gene. That meant that OUR dad carried this BRCA1 gene and had passed it on to them.  They were 42 & 47 when they were diagnosed. They knew that I too was at as much risk as they were and knew that I had had cancer in the past (remember I called brother to get family history). They didn't know how to find me. They just hoped that I would find them again, like before, and they would be able to warn me. Well this was "that day". T told me to go get tested soon to see if I too carried this gene because I would have some decisions to make. Seriously, I just wanted to meet a sister and got a WHOLE lot more than I bargained for ha. All kidding aside, OF COURSE I was thankful to know this. I too had a 50/50 chance like them, because of our dad, but thought surely he can be 3 for 3 right?! I let a month go by but got with the program and called my CURRENT oncologist (so shouldn't have to say that). The nurse said to definitely get on it and she gave me the number to the Genetics department for Breast Cancer Heredity.  They got me in quick based on my family's history and the results came 4 days sooner that expected. Dad was 3 for 3. I was positive. They had easily identified the mutation comparing my DNA with my sisters. Wow. This was serious..obviously. Have you every felt as if you had dodged and been hit by a bullet at the same time. I did. 
PLEASE HEAR THIS...Eventhough this sucks, I am so blessed that God made me the RELENTLESS, NEUROTIC WORRIER that I am. Had I not been, I would've never found this out. I would've never continued to seek these brothers and sister out and I very likely would've been a victim of cancer again at a young age. So this is "How I Got Here".

Back to the Genetic Counselor...a week early

Today has been stressful. I originally had this follow-up appt scheduled for NEXT Mon but I called this morning letting them know I would be able to come today if they were available. They had time this afternoon so I am here waiting to conclude my time/experience here and discuss where to go next. I fortunately know a girl who went through ALL of this stuff LAST year. Now, she was diagnosed stage 1 BC with no BRCA mutation but she had the double mastectomy. She filled me in on her experience with double mastectomy and reconstruction which helped ALOT! It's all about the fear of the unknown right? Will it hurt, will I look like a freak, will I be healthy or will I die? I think ALL of these are reasonable worries. I do a fairly good job at rationalizing these fears..yes it will uncomfortable. People walk around with fake boobs daily. I will be healthy because, with my aggressive preventative measures, I am cutting my breast and ovarian cancer chances down to 1% from 87%. Will I die, well no one knows that but God, but I do know that I feel that it will be very unlikely because I hold on to "what He brings me to, he'll bring me through!". That all I've got! I also have great supportive family as well. Unfortunately this is not my first cancer "rodeo" but I DON'T HAVE CANCER! I'm yelling at me not y'all ha!
After today's visit, we are telling my 12 year old son. I think he will give it about as much attention as anything else that doesn't involve cell phone, music and video games. Actually I'm counting on that! I feel so fortunate that he was spared watching me go through Leukemia. I don't want him to worry about or focus on me going through this surgery that will PREVENT cancer!
That's the whole point of the surgery right?! I had to medicate for the second day. I'm disappointed in that. I know, I know, people do it all the time. Yesterday I was in tears, sobbing, grieving, almost couldn't get it together to go to church, but I dug in and decided that was the devil jacking with me and I'm not one to jack with. Church of course was good and what my husband and I needed to hear. Today I didn't cry BUT thought I would throw up once I started moving around and hurrying from here to there...seriously..dry heaves people!
So I'm here now in Dallas waiting. Appt is at 2 and I think it will be quick. I will let y'all know ;)

I Am Loved..Beginning..

I mentioned in my bio that I am 34 almost 35 and I have been with my husband for half my life. It's true! We dated in HS, I know I know it's a cliche right? I was 16 and he was 18. We have never NOT been in a relationship since Sept 24 1993. This May we will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary and in Sept we will celebrate 19 years of being in each other's lives! This is one of several accomplishment that most I'm proud of! In May 1998 we were married and in Jan 1999 I found out I was pregnant! Very exciting stuff since I wasn't sure how long it would take (heard that it could take a while) luckily it was the first month yea! First part of pregnany sucked, I was VERY sick. The 2nd trimester treated me better and in the middle of the 3rd trimester the shit hit the fan! I was 34wks (6 wks early) when I started to have some blood pressure issues, so I went in to my obgyn and she wanted to send me over to the hospital to be monitored. They determined that I was dilated to a 2 and were considering stopping my contractions for obvious reasons. The did routine blood work once they decided to keep me over night. The morning the doctor came in concerned that my "counts" we're "off" and they wanted to do more blood work. They proceeded to stick me off and on for 2 days! I knew this wasn't good. The problem was that my white blood cell count was low...2.1 (normal range is 4.5-11.0). Counts are often all over the place in pregnancy but this wasn't consistent with pregnancy. Decisions, decisions. They brought in a Hemotologist and he continued with the theme of perplexity. We asked him I the spirit of being DONE with the sticks and pokes, what would demystify my "issue". He quickly came back "Bone Marrow" test. He was against it because of the worry of not getting a good sample due to being pregnant. I asked would it conclusively rule on what my "issue" is and he said yes. Not everyone was a fan of this but at 22 years old and being scared TO DEATH I proceeded. That was a Wed and on Fri evening (be leary of a late dr visit and or phone call) he came in sat down in a room full of worried faces and eager eyes and dropped the most unthinkable bomb...I had Leukemia. I was devistated, I was 22, my baby is 5 wks from being due, and I have cancer. Leukemia, Acute Lymphocydic Leukemia to be exact, is a beat the clock sort of game and I just complicated it with a premature baby. What to do? They did a more detailed sonogram to see what the baby's lungs looked like and they were fully matured! This was a surprise and a much needed blessing. They thought "maybe her date's off" but it wasn't, it just the first of many miracles! A day and half later after 20 hrs of hard labor and the worry of serious blood loss and life threatening infections, I pushed for 45 min and delivered a 7 pound 13 ounce HEALTHY baby boy. He was perfect and beautiful and everything I wanted and I was possibly going to be taken from him before he knew me. See, while most new mothers were just tired and nusersing and preparing to go home and sit the next 6 wks out from work on Maternity leave, I had a bargained to be home with my baby for just 5 days, before I had to leave him for 6 weeks! While at home I was also preparing my home for my mother in law to come and stay to care for my new born so that my husband could go back and forth from Ft Worth to Dallas on a daily basis. This in deed was another blessing. Leaving him that day was one of the hardest things I have had to do (to date). Leukemia treatments are ALL in patient so I didn't get to leave and go home. I was treated for almost a year with intravenous chemo. I didn't have to stay for a year in the hospital, but I was in more than not. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my birthday all in the hospital. One of the Chemos that is super important in irradiating Leukemia is called Daunorubicin. REMEMBER THIS DRUG, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR LATER!! It did its job and then some. With this chemo comes a 5% chance of developing Cardiomyopathy (congestive heart failure) and I got it. This was bad news. I was immediatly started on meds and over time it corrected itself (not to 100% but pretty close) so I'll take it :). When my first year was up, I ended it with a Bone Marrow Harvest (fun). For the next 2 years I would continue on with oral chemotherapy and after 3 full years, I was done! I made it to the 5 year mark, I had a 5 year old, I lost all that weight, I had normal hair, and I was "cured". At 5 years they classify Leukemia "cured". I was so blessed and lucky! Four years later I would get pregnant again (was having trouble) after hearing that I probably was going through early menopause (due to chemo). This time a heathy 8lb baby girl via a planned c-section that went beautifully! This was MY time to be a new mom again and go home, be tired, nurse my baby and sit 4 wks out from work...FINALLY..something normal! I healed great and went back to work with no complications. I mentioned that I nursed. I wasn't able to before and it wasn't something I obsessed about, but I feel so blessed that I was able to for 9 months...holy moly! She is 3 1/2 now and is a crazy, happy, healthy little girl! Thank God! My son is 12 1/2 and too is a happy, sometimes neurotic, HEALTHY young man...THANK GOD!! My kids are miracles that my husband have the privilege of raising. We had a REALLY rough start but it's all worked out...right?

The Beginning...Suprised but Not...

Friday, Feb 3rd at 10am I received the results to genetic testing for BRCA mutation. While chemically straightening someone's hair, the counselor told me that I was IN FACT positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation. I was surprised but not, disappointed but relieved. Relieved to know that I have a "heads up" for the strong possibility of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer in my lifetime but disappointed in knowing I was facing semi-life altering changes to my body! I had pre-decided that I would have a PBM (Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy) and Oophorectomy. The order in which I will have these procedures is still to be determined. I go back to the genetic counselor on the 13th to advise what the next steps are (surgeons etc). Since I have already made my decision, I am eager to get started, eager but SCARED! People tend to see me as a "Strong Person". I personally don't see it. The truth is I'm really a terrified person that is able to make difficult decisions, be put to the test (hard test) time and time again, go through challenging trials and disappointments, and manage to survive? I say "survive" with a question because I can't figure out how I am able to do it. For starters, I have a deep faith. A faith that I came to ALL on my own. I wasn't raised in church. Of course we went to church occasionally and as a youth, I went with friends to their churches but honestly it was popular and I wanted to belong. I do most often believe its because God knows I'm strong, that I can endure, and that I am in fact strong. I don't see it, but I guess it only matters that He sees it right? Belief in things you can't see and explain is faith and at the end of the day that's something I can count on to comfort me. I am going to sort jump around in these first few post. I felt that it was important to start at my current status and work from there.