Processing

I title it this because that's pretty much where I'm at with this. Let me start off saying that even though I don't struggle communicating ordinarilly, I am really have a hard time right now :-/. My thoughts are all of the place with this stuff. I mean I have only known about this Breast Cancer/BRCA stuff for 2 months. Here's where my head jacks with me....I am NO stranger to life changing on a dime. I've experienced it and seen it, it happens. That's why our older wiser friends caution us about "planning". You plan to grow up, go to college, have a career, get married, have kids, live well into your grand kids lives and then die and go to heaven right? All of that can and at some point usually DOES happen, the order and means of which it happens is the trick especially when it doesn't go according to "plan". "Plan-Busting" isn't always bad, in fact sometimes it's better. Like for instance, there is almost 9 years between our son and daughter. Now this was DEFINITELY not what I planned. I knew there was going to be at least 5 years but not 9 and I will say that for me, I would NEVER change it. I can honestly say that I like their two ages and how they balance out our family style, schedules, needs etc.. Financially we were better prepared for her when she came along. The 3 of us (me, hubby and our son) had been this little team for so long, it was kind of scary bringing someone else on that if G had been younger, I think I would've worried about him and if he would be understanding or not of how much time a baby would need etc. Now nothing was going without hitches but looking back I wouldn't change it! See MY plan worked out, it just did it differently that I "planned" it. Another great example that I REALLY have to focus to see is being diagnosed with Leukemia at the end of my pregnancy. Seriously. It took a while but I've had 12 years to reflect. I can possibly make sense of it in this post or probably not fully outside of my head lol so bare with me. At 22 with a new baby having only been married not quite a year in a half dealing with the worse news ever (well to me). I had some really DARK days for a long time and much of that time was a blur but when I finally rallied and became a participant in my treatments instead of a victim things got a lot better. I can't take the credit however. One of my worse nights at the hospital during treatments when I had all but given into the depression, sadness, nausea, fear, anger I had my first supernatural experience. I heard someone say softly "don't ...please don't give up.." it was not audible like if I were to talk to someone. It startled me because it seemed audible and with me being in the hospital room alone...I wasn't scared though, it couldn't have been worse and hey now I figured that I could officially add crazy to the list of other ailments :). I've mentioned my faith a few times in these posts and I don't feel like I need shove it anyone's face, flaunt it, prove it and so on but that one UGLY night I met the Lord. Cliche I know, tragic event/find faith right? Well for me it wasn't a boom or something dramatic it just this simple request "don't..". I stopped crying and went to sleep. The next day I woke and thought "hey I wonder if there's a bible in the night at a hospital like in a hotel room?" Duh of coarse there is it's a freaking hospital where people are sick and some that are on death's door need to knock on that bible one last time! So I got it out and read and read and read. Lots of crazy details have been omitted but from that time on not only was I healed from Leukemia, God also opened my EYES! I am SUCH a negative person by nature but I have always been able to stop at some point in a crisis (usually later haha)and reflect back to my lowest time. Not saying that the wisdom immediately remedies my behavior in a bad situation but it helps. I will use this God given wisdom now even as I sit and I'm scared, worried, lonely, frustrated, freaked, mad and wait for it...blessed. God took my "I'm 22 and I will have a cute baby, normal pregnancy and be super happy (hear the Pom poms?)" plan and tweaked it. He knew that BECAUSE I'm so negative that I would need a rainbow like Noah to say "hey you hard head! Why are you freaking out? I know that you're scared but remember I've brought you through MUCH harder, even sadder times and I'll get you through this too" how do you argue with that... I want to but I just can't. I know that this long post certainly disputes my "having a hard time communicating" issue. I actually re-read this and it helped and while at the beginning of this post I felt very low (usually do when husband's it home and it's quiet and I'm left with my thoughts)I feel a little clearer and I got to read how "blessed" I am in my own print :)I go tomorrow to the plastic surgeon to discuss how we're all going to resctuct me...wish us luck :)