Well, I'm going in tomorrow for my 3rd and hopefully final surgery! I'm optimistic and if I've learned anything from my second surgery, it's to not expect anything other than it ALL takes time.
I am up fighting sleep obsessing about my thoughts. It's almost as if I'm intentional trying to think about stuff lol!
Here are my thoughts...Surgery, menopause, hormone replacement, fat grafting, being sore, remembering it only last a little while, implant adjusting, new nips and will they look like I envision, Christmas, bringing in 2013 AND moving on. I'm even a little sorrowful that my fertility is really over. Bare in mind I've had my tubes tied so what the hell right?? It's been a crazy 8 months. I've made use of my insurance deductible being met and have gone to 7 drs for the last 7 Mondays! 3 weeks ago I found out that after 11 years of Cardiomyopathy stabilization, my heart function had dropped some. I am now on 2 heart pills as a result :(. It's all good though because I REFUSE to let this effect me! I was understandably disappointed and sad hearing this, as it makes mad about the Leukemia ALL OVER AGAIN, but I refuse to let it stop all that I have planned for myself!
I have not run in a while but you know what that's ok. Luckily running involves feet not boobs so come Feb I'm off :) I've replaced my running with reading at the time and I really enjoy it! I also plan to start Crossfit. I'm super scared to do so but I'm ALWAYS scared about something and I find the strength to do what I gotta do! During all of this, I have learned things about myself..some good some bad but regardless self awareness is important right? I'm learning to let shit go, and I'm learning to let people in and trust. Now for those of you who know me well, don't scoff. It may not always be on display but believe me, the thoughts in my head are changing...slowly :). I'm still a worrier though, not sure that'll ever change. I'm a "baggage" packer so before I even have any issues to worry about, I'm ready.
I'm starting to really build relationships with my long lost siblings who are interested in knowing me and my family :) There are a couple of hold outs but I can't waist any time on that and won't.
All in all, I'm feeling much better about my foobs and I continue to pray and hope for a good outcome in the end, whenever that may be!
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Post op Appt today
In the car on the way to Dallas to see Dr Meade. Can help but feel like I'm preparing for battle as I am unhappy about MANY things. I want better understanding of my situation which is such a weird thing to say right? I'm ran here I am almost 6 months from my first surgery and there still things I need more clarification on! I'm an over thinker so naturally I won't be happy till I twist my mind up in thoughts over this.
I was so nervous about my Exchange surgery and I had such HIGH hopes (not thinking that was unreasonable) and I'm so disappointed. At what specifically I'm not even sure. Again, sounds crazy I know. I think I'm walking a fine line, once again, of being realistic (I guess??) and picky/perfection. Ah ha...there it is! Perfection! I've never really had a good body image and I was comfortable with that but here was this "situation" I found myself in. I was going to have a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. Here's my chance to ditch these large, saggy, almost vacant boobs for a COMPLETELY new pair! Bittersweet!
Hopefully when I get there the doc and I will be able to go over my list of concerns and come up with a plan to solve some if not all the issues.
Pray for me, Jason AND Dr Meade. If you don't do that, then wish us ALL luck ;)
I was so nervous about my Exchange surgery and I had such HIGH hopes (not thinking that was unreasonable) and I'm so disappointed. At what specifically I'm not even sure. Again, sounds crazy I know. I think I'm walking a fine line, once again, of being realistic (I guess??) and picky/perfection. Ah ha...there it is! Perfection! I've never really had a good body image and I was comfortable with that but here was this "situation" I found myself in. I was going to have a DOUBLE MASTECTOMY. Here's my chance to ditch these large, saggy, almost vacant boobs for a COMPLETELY new pair! Bittersweet!
Hopefully when I get there the doc and I will be able to go over my list of concerns and come up with a plan to solve some if not all the issues.
Pray for me, Jason AND Dr Meade. If you don't do that, then wish us ALL luck ;)
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Exchange Surgery
Well I had my exchange surgery this past Monday. I had the Expanders taken out and the Implants were put in their place. My right side had a few complications from the beginning so Dr Meade had to correct some of that and remove more skin and cut out scar tissue therefore my incision is MUCH larger/longer than the original. What's the big deal right?! I'm already scarred out the wazoo so what's a little more. Seriously though, as long as Jason doesn't mind a few dents on this can, that's all that should matter. Dr Meade also Fat Grafted from the sides (upper next to boobs beneath arms...where I like to think that my old boobs moved to after I finished breast feeding because I had a WHOLE lot more over there than in the front just sayin) and on the backside of the love handle/hip areas. Holy shit is it sore. I know that the end result of these lipo'd areas will look great but right now it's...wow! I woke up with a compression garment on much like the one I had after my Tummy Tuck. Did I mention that before? I had a TT last Aug. So by the end of this Dec (following my next surgery) I will have had 4 biggies in a year :) Go big or go home right?
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
I'm very sore much like the previous surgeries. I'm a little concerned about the shape of my NEW new boobs. They aren't like the originals (which I figured), they're not like the Expanders (which I figured) I guess they're somewhere in the middle. That probably sounds great right? Well I'm struggling a little with where I'm at now. I am in a surgical bra that is to provide support and I guess shape? I can't remove (unless showering) for 2 weeks. They look ok but honestly I got use to the "round" fake boob look and right now, I really don't have that so a revision may be in my future :-/. I have "Textured Silicone" implants. They, like the Expanders, are placed between the muscle. The "textured" part is to doubly ensure non-slippage. Great right?! I know that I walk a RAZOR thin line of being grateful/satisfied and picky. Well I guess I'm being a little picky right now and honestly I don't give a shit. For right now, I'm going to be picky. I'm 35 years old and hopefully have a lot of life to live and forgive me if I want my boobs to look like I WANT them to. I mean if I have to find myself in this situation and have to get fake boobs, then they better look BAD ASS! Jason says that I'm being impatient and that it's too soon to judge and insist that I am wise enough to know these things...huh..that's what he thinks ;) My doctor told me the same thing after I emailed him 30 min after I got home from surgery at 8:30 at night!! I know that he'll be glad to be rid of me lol! That's ok. I'm a case of his and when my case is over, I'll be a memory. So if in the mean time, I am a slight pain in the ass then oh well.
What's up next, well my next surgery will be Dec 17 and I will have nipple reconstruction and a COMPLETE hysterectomy. So it will be menopause for me this Christmas. Oh the joy. Oh well, why not right. If I'm not happy with how these boobies take shape, then these bastards are coming out too and I'll replace them with some magazine quality ones. :)
On another note, once again I am BLOWN AWAY with how wonderful people have been to Jason and I. The concern momentum hasn't slowed from the first surgery even though this was a little less traumatic than the first. Some have even come up out of no where and have been the biggest supporters with texting me ALL day and listening to my irrational thoughts etc. My neighbor, that I only slightly know, was at the store and called to see if we needed anything while she was there. A LONG time friend and parent of a kid my son's friends with was out and wanted to know if I wanted a snack/drink. People have taken my son to games at his school and brought him home for us. My husband's fire lieutenant's wife, while recovering from a fucking HEART TRANSPLANT that isn't even 2 wks old messaged me to see how I am? Heart/Boobs, Heart/Boobs um I'm PRETTY SURE that I'm doing much better than you Andi but I LOVE that you are worried. My girls at work bought me a crazy expensive eyeshadow palette (that I have yet to buy for myself because it's RIDICULOUS to spend $50 on shadow???) just because they know how tight I am and they wanted me to feel "girly" :) They have also washed and styled my hair for me. Oh the perks of being a hairdresser!! They gave me the most AMAZING card. We have a REALLY good group of ridiculously different personalities right now that for some reason work together. The grandmas once again are big helps even thought they BOTH have A LOT of serious personal shit going on with them. My mom has now been diagnosed with a huge stomach ulcer that she was unaware of. How you wonder, well because she has a wealth of other things wrong with her. She's a year out from Carcinoid Cancer where they removed 10"of colon, 3'of small intestine, appendix, terminal elium and 25-30 lymph nodes. She's been ill off and on with the horrible side effects of that surgery all year. My "MIL" (mother-n-law) is dealing with the sad and TERRIBLE decline of our Mom-o. This is her mother, my husband's grandmother, kid's great-grandmother, my daughter's name sake and a WONDERFUL woman. I didn't grow up with or experience a "grandmother". She has always been good to me and treated me like I was family, not an "in-law". In my book that's everything. So the grandmas involvement with my ordeal is wonderful considering all that's on their plate at this time.
"It's times like these, that you see who your real friends and family are" we've all heard or used that statement before right? Well it's true and it's AMAZING who fills those roles. It's SURPRISING to see who fills those roles. It's not that ppl need an "act" of kindness or help sometimes just a text (because that's the world we live in) suffices. That's ok. Everyone knows what they are and aren't involved in and are comfortable there. It's a little harder to digest when it's family but that's ok, family members are people and ppl are flawed. We usually take for granted that family "knows" that we're here for each other, that's a misconception but it is what it is. I'm not perfect and I am so unbelievably busy (when I'm not recovering from surgeries) but we do what we can to check in with ppl. Anyway I'll move on from this. This soap box is a comfy one and I could stand and stand and stand.
I'll sum this up. Thank you to everyone. Jason and I are lucky and grateful to have each of you.
I'm ready to feel better and to move past all of this surgery shit. I am a patch work quilt, cut and sliced. Some new pieces, some things in new places and some things discarded. A pleasant description of myself right? I've also used the "I feel like a round bunt cake" analogy. You know, those round pans that have the grooves in them? It's a fantastic way to fool ppl into thinking "hey I brought a round cake, I made it and it's iced like a champ"! Well I'm that cake and what everyone doesn't know is part of my awesome round cake got dented taking it out of the pan that was supposed to be easy to come out of. So what did we do...we just packed it back together and slapped some icing on it. No one will ever know the difference right? I do and so does Jason. He says that it doesn't bother him and that I'm beautiful..and blah and blah and blah...my husband got a raw deal 14 years ago when he said "I do". No man would EVER sign up for all that we've been through knowingly. Little did he know, I included it in the fine print, you gotta check those things :)
Monday, July 23, 2012
I'm Back!
I haven't blogged since May but not for any particular reasons other than being busy.
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Ok so what have I done since then. I have had all the Expansions that I am going to have, so I'm done with those. The expanding procedure itself wasn't painful since I have no feeling near the port site under the skin on either side. Now the last 2 expansions were VERY uncomfortable due to them being quite larger than being flat chested obviously I am uncomfortable when I sleep but I am able to sleep on my sides. I toss and turn most nights but I am able to be on my sides. Through my clothes I look relatively normal but out of them, just ridiculous! They look so fake and completely unnatural. My plastic surgeon said they would AND they do.
We went to the beach in June and it was great! I wore a 2 piece and I will say, weird fake boobs and all, it was pretty cool having a bikini top that didn't look like saggy sacks ;). I am still just wearing shelf tanks/camis under my tops or AS my tops. Again, can't complain about that.
I'm still working and while I did have some limitations ie..work speed, fatigue, spasms..it's all kind of worked itself out. As with anything, it just took time. I'm so impatient and VERY hard on myself, this has been one of the most difficult things for me.
I was cold all time in the beginning and that has worked itself out too. If you remember, I had an Areola Sparing procedure with my double. My incision is vertical from the areola down and under the Foob horizontally. In doing this he also lifted everything (thank you Dr Meade!!). My right areola just healed like last week. While the areolas were trying to heal, Dr M would have me put iodine on them every night to dry up the scabs (sorry if too tmi). My right side just completely closed so that I don't have to use iodine woohoo!!
My next surgery is Aug 31st. It's the Exchange surgery. We will take out these effing Expanders, cut out scar tissue (rt side is pretty bad), fat graft (oh yeah...lipo!) and put in the permanent Implants! Wheww!
I have a few more blog entries but I want to break them up so be on the look out for:
-My appt with the Gynecological Oncologist aka. GynOc.
-My Surgery stuff leading up to and after
Kelly
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
The Work Experience
5 weeks out.
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Well I'm back to work. I went back after 3 wks post PBM, slowly. If you haven't caught it before, I am a hair stylist. This is SO difficult, much more difficult than I expected. I know that must sound crazy being that I use my arms primarily to do my job. I've just gone slowly, very slow for me, as I knew that I didn't want any set backs. It was was harder too because my right arm has less range of motion than my left and I'm right handed :-/. That problem is getting better though :). My clients have been wonderful and very patient :).
My husband stayed off with me the entire time..THANK THE LORD! Even though I went to work a few times while he was off, I was so spent that there was NO way I could work and come home and do the kids. Yesterday was my first day without him and I had such bad anxiety I just though I would go mad! I was so happy when 10 pm rolled around, I crawled into bed and forced myself to go to sleep. I had a little aid :). My mom took my little one to preschool for me and my mother in law took the big one. That was a huge help because the thought of getting up first day w/out Jason and getting the 3 of our of the house by 8 am when I hadn't done that yet was daunting! Getting my daughter in and out her car seat hasn't been fun either. I'm pretty sure that she was only in it minimally secure yesterday :-/. I tell myself, all this use of my peck muscles and while sore, working out the kinks, has to be therapeutic? Oh well, that's what I tell myself. I still have to do the the old roll your legs off the bed and slide out of bed. Learned that during the c-section :).
I'm mentally feeling more like myself now. I think if gone to the "acceptance" phase of this...maybe. I want this to be true. You know, when you feel bad, you can't feel normal, so now that I hurt less my brain is settling down some!
I'm experiencing the effects of the Expanders not being full. Now that swelling has reduced significantly, when I try to stretch, my muscle and skin press my expander in like a deflated ball! It's creepy really creepy :-/. I go the 21st to get some saline, I'm ready for that! The left one feels soft and squishy, not like a "boob" because...it isn't...it feels squishy like a pool toy lol. The right one, well, I'm not really sure what's going on with this one but they are definitely not on the same page. This one's harder and still feels bruised :(. My areolas are trying to heal up too and there will be scaring. I knew this going in so I don't have issues with this. I'm just ready for them to heal! I'm doing iodine at night to dry some spots up. I've also progressed to large band-aids! No more gauze and tape :)
We leave for vacation in 6 weeks and I'm ready for that! Since I have been delayed in expansions due to healing issues, I won't be going to the beach looking so "augmented" as I thought! I'm grateful for this. Prior to the surgery I discussed my vacay with my PS and predicted that I would be close to my finishing up with expansions and caused that I would look very "augmented". When asked what he meant by that, he said that it would look like a bad boob job...very fake. I was definitely not excited about this, so now it's not an issue! It also means that I will probably not be ready for the Exchange surgery till more like July or Aug, I'm glad about this!
I can't believe I'm 5 weeks out! Parts of this I have such vague memories of and parts I remember VIVIDLY! I'm doing better and that's what's important :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Slow
That's it "slow". I'm slow. If you know me, this isn't a word that I would be proud to be described as nor am I proud to describe myself as this. Not until you're "slow" do you realize that you rush and do everything as fast as you can on a daily basis. I don't try to be this way BUT apparently that is just my personality type?! So..I'm struggling with this. You would think that with as many life bullets I've dodged in my adulthood, that I wouldn't be in a hurry to get done with a day or get over an event or rush my kids, family...check off my check list?! I should slowww down and "be" in a conversation with a friend or stop and read a book to my 3 year old (I do this one but ya know...) eat slower, walk slower, talk slower, slow my thoughts...this is all hard for me. Now, I would NEVER want to be so laid back that I get nothing done or be lazy but a little slower wouldn't hurt I suppose. I even physically write slower right now because you don't realize that you engage your peck muscles to do that!
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random
I think I'm manic (probably just excited about getting the infamous drain out tomorrow) but I can't wait till tomorrow at 8:30 am when I call and head to big D to get this biatch OUT! Wooooo!!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Still Have A Drain
Like it says, it's still there. Dr Meade thinks that I look "beautiful" (for what this stage all is) and that I'm healing just like I'm supposed to! My right breast is visibly bruised and he thinks that coupled with the areolas trying to heal, that why all the fluid accumulation. Makes sense. He decided to do an expansion "fill" today for therapeutic reasons. It was in effort to create less space in the foob so, if there is less room in the foob (skin, muscle, expander) then less fluid. That's the goal AND hope.
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
Monday, April 16, 2012
2 Weeks...Oh Man
2 weeks ago today I had a Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy (PBM). Man, I barely remember the first week, I remember it wasn't fun, but if I don't have a "clear" recollection of that week it must have been bearable :).
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Better Day
Today was much better..so at 6 days out it was better. I slept all night last night, pretty much. I took a decent nap today and I went to my in-laws tonight for a small Easter celebration. The rain had stopped and we were left with an overcasty cool evening. It was nice and what I needed. I got a little nutty with the 5 kids that were there but they're kids and they were excited!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Changing it up a bit
Ok I don't think that the Hydrocodein/Valium combo is going work. I've done a little better going back to 2 hydros every 5-6 hrs. I was a little nauseous this evening and remembered that I have some phenegren, a low dose..12.5 mg. Regular dose is 25 mg. I was prescribed it to take along with 1 hydrocodein at night when I had my tummy tuck. It wasn't used for nausea then per-say, but that plastic surgeon said that when used with a pain pill/narcotic, it is sort of a catalyst for the pain meds to have a smoother longer lasting effect. I was nauseous tonight so that was my motivation but I quickly remembered the "trick". The Valium kept me up paranoid and I'm pretty sure, hallucinating the last 2 nights, leaving me wrecked and worse off the last 2 mornings. So we'll see if this works :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Post-Op Appt 1
I didn't post yesterday due to being emotional and tired. I'm still those things but I have a little better handle on them at the moment.
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Post-Op Day 1
I'm still here! I really wasn't in any frame of mind to blog last night so I'll hit the highlights. Going into surgery was fine and I was surprisingly calm, well so to speak. I was in quite a bit of pain after surgery. Specifically on my left side. I really feel like that there were serious miscommunications between me and the recovery nurse. I told her that my pain was a "6" and she would just say "yeah, you're going to be there for a few days..." almost condescendingly. I asked what she meant and she replied "at a 5/6 for a few days...". She didn't give me more meds so I had to wait till I got to my room (stayed over night). When I got up there they had to do my vitals even though we just did them in Recovery. The assistant nurse took my left arm out to the side to slip the blood pressure cuff on and sort of jerked it. I screamed! It hurt so effing bad that I almost passed out! He didn't mean to but it set me back some. It freaked my nurse out too so she called for some Morphine and said to do nothing else to me till the Morphine had a chance to work. I got a small amount of relief and we went for it all. I suffered through and they were careful. I never really rested. I had to pee twice that night which is good but Lord was it hard to get up and down! I had a Morphine push every 2 hours from 7:30 till 3. They wanted me to switch to the oral pain meds before I went home to make sure that what I had was going to work. I was scared to (fearing that it wouldn't work and I'd be screwed)but can't take the iv home with me so oral it was. It worked and now the key has been to STAY ON TOP of the meds!!! I'll be honest I'm still working with a 4-6 on the pain number scale. So I've decided that the pain meds aren't going take the pain away, they're just going to let me tolerate it. My husband is so stressed out! I feel so bad for him. He's just so worried and hasn't seen me in pain like that I a long time I guess or ever. For him the worry coupled with past cancer junk. I can understand that.
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
Surgery Day
Headed to Dallas to first get my markings at the plastic surgeon and then to the hospital by 10 am to check-in. They are hoping to start surgery between 11-12:00. Plastic's is hoping to start between 1-2:00. I pray that the start times are the earlier ones. There's really no way to predict because it's Monday, I'm at a big hospital and prior surgeries that may run behind :-/. I haven't had a surgery start later than 7:30 in a long time! I have NO fear of being hungry but thirsty?!
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Revelations
This one will be short. Maybe? I may be making several entries today as I think of things to unload. I intend for it to be but it may be a novel who knows! You never can tell about me :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
Hello Ding-Bat!!
I felt lonely and wondered why I never have comments lol?! Ok so I'm not Blogger savvy but I realized that I didn't have the "comment" section set up!! Hopefully I've done it right now. If I haven't and you have my info text me and let me know :)
Friday, March 30, 2012
Mommy when the Doctor gets done with your boobies can we do bubbles
It's that simple right?! Oh how I wish it was, but at least for my 3 yr old it is. We were on our way to my Pre-op appt this past Monday when she was playing with my phone and while never looking up she asked me this. At least I'm doing a good job prepping the kids as best as I can right? My son (12) told me tonight that he can't wait for me to have my surgery. While I have a few ideas as to why (I can quit being cranky, we can stop talking about it, etc...) I asked why and he simply says "so we can a gallon of half and half tea here while you're recovering". Yep, think its fair to say that we've at least prepared them up to this point. Of course, we have new roads to navigate following Mon but we feel pretty good as parents regarding this.
Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.
Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.
I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.
Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.
Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.
I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Plastics
I realize that I hadn't yet published my Plastic surgeon consultation yet. I wanted to wait till I could get to the real computer to do so :)
I had already decided on the plastic surgeon BEFORE going to see him. I had a friend go through breast cancer treatments not even a year ago and it is who she used, so unless he was a total douche, I had pre-decided. It's all about who you know right?! Anywho, I did all my homework...looked him up...did a background on him...looked at pics...prepared my questions...done. I'll start by addressing that he's a looker. Seriously, he's probably right up there in the "pretty department" with Mc Steamy/Mc Dreamy. Luckily he's much more intelligent than cute seeing as how his looks isn't what will be reconstructing mine :)
He walked in..."Good morning...I'm Dr. Meade nice to meet you. Ok I see here that you are here to discuss a PBM (prophylatic bilaterial mastectomy)...smart girl :)" I answer "yes and thanks". He follows with "BRCA 1?" Me "Yep". Then he says "It says that you are a 36 (?)" Ok let me stop here, of course I am omitting my size because even though I'm open, I'm still a tad modest and well I just don't know if I want the people I know that read this to know my size. Oddly enough, I'm somewhat more comfortable with the strangers that will read this...you know...I don't have to see yall! Dr Meade was unsure that I was correct (I guess because of just looking at me sitting there covered) and said, "hmm, lets just see..." he pulls back the curtains AND "ok....there they are". I was like what is he talking about?! I know what size I am, I haul these things around on a daily basis! I was prepared for what came next. I had gone for a breast lift consult in the past so when he pulled out this tiny little retractable tape measure I knew what was next. MEASURE!!! Oh how fun it is for someone to measure EVERY POSSIBLE MEASUREMENT that a boob can offer up and then to think that he has to do it twice! He proceeds to call out all of the measurements to his assistant and when he got to the measurement of "distance" well let's just say it was a low moment...very low :-/.
Dr. M goes on right in to it. Goes over where and what we're removing. Confirms that because of the BRCA I'm not a candidate to keep my nipples. I wasn't surprised. The breast surgeon had prepared me for that at her visit. I was very sad about this. Google nippleless breast and you'll see why :). All kidding aside...don't. It can't be helped, they can be reconstructed and they still hold the 87% chance of giving be BC if they STAY! So...what's a nipple or two right? Small price to pay to "seal the deal". He did propose an interesting option that even with all of my research I hadn't come across. He asked what my thoughts were on an Areola-Sparring procedure. It was like a skid in a record, I just blinked and looked at him. What had he just said?? Up till now I had never really thought about the nipple and areola being two separate pieces! Let me process...to spare means to keep and to keep means to not be totally nipple area-ish less?! HELL YES!! When I came out of my mini coma I almost cried. For the 1 week following my oncology appt, where she told me that I was to have a "non-nipple sparring" procedure, I cried alot and prepared to look undefined for about 6 months. You don't think about it mattering until someone says that they're taking them away. Do you remember Barbie from the 80's? Before Mattel decided that the Barbie of today needed to be "decent"? Before they painted on a cami and a brief? Well, the Barbies I had, had none of that. She just had her tan plastic body, undefined, under all of her awesome outfits. I of course noticed that the plastic doll didn't look like us...that would just be too inappropriate! This all came crashing down on me as I prepared to look like (even temporarily) her. Two skin mounds, not breast...not immediately reseambling them anyways. I don't care how secure or insecure someone claims to be, facing the reality of becoming nippleless, missing distinguishing marks on what are supposed to be breast, just knocks the air out of ya. It was like Christmas when Dr. Meade offered up this gift. Now to clarify, an areola-sparring procedure is where they remove your nipple but you keep just that, your Areola. Crazy right?! I laugh as I write this because this shit is JUST FASINATING!! Lord Jesus...Thank you for making Dr Meade a crazy intelligent, humbly courageous doctor...and better yet for leading him to me through an amazing girl like "J"!! Now it will be tricky and it may not work, but Dr. M says that he feels confident that it will work will do everything in his power to make sure that it does. He did say that it is risky, not to me, but to the areola itself. They are removing most of the remaining part of the breast (skin's)blood supply but removing everything that make a breast a breast (fat and tissue). Then he has to cut off the areola remove the nipple, and place it back on in a new area, an area that is struggling for blood and now would have to share what little blood it has with the relocated areola. With this procedure, he will be doing the "Lift" cut. It is a vertical line coming from the areola to below the breast. So to look at me when I'm done, it will look like I just had a breast lift. They also do this cut with a breast reductions too. With typical mastectomies, they cut horizontally. Without the nipple/areola, each breast looks like and eye with it's lids shut :-/. Whew, glad its him not me. I get stressed when clients want me to pull off what I think is the impossible and I just do hair! In all seriousness, he feels like it will work and so do I. If it doesn't you're wondering? Well, he'll know within a week and if it doesn't work (areola dies) then he has to remove it (cut it off). If that happens, then I go the "Barbie" route and I have peace with that. Period.
It's not like they don't do amazing nipple/areola reconstructions, because they do! It's amazing! I guess it's about getting to keep something and not looking like a total freak!
I struggle with this vain feeling. Hear me clearly, I choose this surgery because I choose to live with out the fear of Breast Cancer taking me from my family. So by choosing this I know that I should be happy with ANY discomfort to me phyically and emotionally just to have peace of mind...and I do! I've been on that side...the "C" side. Living... with nausea, no hair, fear...is still "living". So I'll always do anything to "live". I'll remove my natural breast and put in implants...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice! If I don't get to keep my areolas, then I'll gladly cut them off...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice. I HAVE CHOICES! I'm so grateful this time I have choices.
I had already decided on the plastic surgeon BEFORE going to see him. I had a friend go through breast cancer treatments not even a year ago and it is who she used, so unless he was a total douche, I had pre-decided. It's all about who you know right?! Anywho, I did all my homework...looked him up...did a background on him...looked at pics...prepared my questions...done. I'll start by addressing that he's a looker. Seriously, he's probably right up there in the "pretty department" with Mc Steamy/Mc Dreamy. Luckily he's much more intelligent than cute seeing as how his looks isn't what will be reconstructing mine :)
He walked in..."Good morning...I'm Dr. Meade nice to meet you. Ok I see here that you are here to discuss a PBM (prophylatic bilaterial mastectomy)...smart girl :)" I answer "yes and thanks". He follows with "BRCA 1?" Me "Yep". Then he says "It says that you are a 36 (?)" Ok let me stop here, of course I am omitting my size because even though I'm open, I'm still a tad modest and well I just don't know if I want the people I know that read this to know my size. Oddly enough, I'm somewhat more comfortable with the strangers that will read this...you know...I don't have to see yall! Dr Meade was unsure that I was correct (I guess because of just looking at me sitting there covered) and said, "hmm, lets just see..." he pulls back the curtains AND "ok....there they are". I was like what is he talking about?! I know what size I am, I haul these things around on a daily basis! I was prepared for what came next. I had gone for a breast lift consult in the past so when he pulled out this tiny little retractable tape measure I knew what was next. MEASURE!!! Oh how fun it is for someone to measure EVERY POSSIBLE MEASUREMENT that a boob can offer up and then to think that he has to do it twice! He proceeds to call out all of the measurements to his assistant and when he got to the measurement of "distance" well let's just say it was a low moment...very low :-/.
Dr. M goes on right in to it. Goes over where and what we're removing. Confirms that because of the BRCA I'm not a candidate to keep my nipples. I wasn't surprised. The breast surgeon had prepared me for that at her visit. I was very sad about this. Google nippleless breast and you'll see why :). All kidding aside...don't. It can't be helped, they can be reconstructed and they still hold the 87% chance of giving be BC if they STAY! So...what's a nipple or two right? Small price to pay to "seal the deal". He did propose an interesting option that even with all of my research I hadn't come across. He asked what my thoughts were on an Areola-Sparring procedure. It was like a skid in a record, I just blinked and looked at him. What had he just said?? Up till now I had never really thought about the nipple and areola being two separate pieces! Let me process...to spare means to keep and to keep means to not be totally nipple area-ish less?! HELL YES!! When I came out of my mini coma I almost cried. For the 1 week following my oncology appt, where she told me that I was to have a "non-nipple sparring" procedure, I cried alot and prepared to look undefined for about 6 months. You don't think about it mattering until someone says that they're taking them away. Do you remember Barbie from the 80's? Before Mattel decided that the Barbie of today needed to be "decent"? Before they painted on a cami and a brief? Well, the Barbies I had, had none of that. She just had her tan plastic body, undefined, under all of her awesome outfits. I of course noticed that the plastic doll didn't look like us...that would just be too inappropriate! This all came crashing down on me as I prepared to look like (even temporarily) her. Two skin mounds, not breast...not immediately reseambling them anyways. I don't care how secure or insecure someone claims to be, facing the reality of becoming nippleless, missing distinguishing marks on what are supposed to be breast, just knocks the air out of ya. It was like Christmas when Dr. Meade offered up this gift. Now to clarify, an areola-sparring procedure is where they remove your nipple but you keep just that, your Areola. Crazy right?! I laugh as I write this because this shit is JUST FASINATING!! Lord Jesus...Thank you for making Dr Meade a crazy intelligent, humbly courageous doctor...and better yet for leading him to me through an amazing girl like "J"!! Now it will be tricky and it may not work, but Dr. M says that he feels confident that it will work will do everything in his power to make sure that it does. He did say that it is risky, not to me, but to the areola itself. They are removing most of the remaining part of the breast (skin's)blood supply but removing everything that make a breast a breast (fat and tissue). Then he has to cut off the areola remove the nipple, and place it back on in a new area, an area that is struggling for blood and now would have to share what little blood it has with the relocated areola. With this procedure, he will be doing the "Lift" cut. It is a vertical line coming from the areola to below the breast. So to look at me when I'm done, it will look like I just had a breast lift. They also do this cut with a breast reductions too. With typical mastectomies, they cut horizontally. Without the nipple/areola, each breast looks like and eye with it's lids shut :-/. Whew, glad its him not me. I get stressed when clients want me to pull off what I think is the impossible and I just do hair! In all seriousness, he feels like it will work and so do I. If it doesn't you're wondering? Well, he'll know within a week and if it doesn't work (areola dies) then he has to remove it (cut it off). If that happens, then I go the "Barbie" route and I have peace with that. Period.
It's not like they don't do amazing nipple/areola reconstructions, because they do! It's amazing! I guess it's about getting to keep something and not looking like a total freak!
I struggle with this vain feeling. Hear me clearly, I choose this surgery because I choose to live with out the fear of Breast Cancer taking me from my family. So by choosing this I know that I should be happy with ANY discomfort to me phyically and emotionally just to have peace of mind...and I do! I've been on that side...the "C" side. Living... with nausea, no hair, fear...is still "living". So I'll always do anything to "live". I'll remove my natural breast and put in implants...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice! If I don't get to keep my areolas, then I'll gladly cut them off...don't want to BUT so grateful that I have that choice. I HAVE CHOICES! I'm so grateful this time I have choices.
Monday, March 12, 2012
April 2
3 weeks from TODAY, I have a date with a wonderfully kind Oncological Breast Surgeon and an awesomely straight forward, heart for Breast Cancer and Pre-Cancerous people Plastic Surgeon! I will go that Monday to Dallas, stay over night and mark 2 things off my list...ha! Right now it's scheduled for afternoon but it may be moved up to the morning which we are obviously hoping for!
My emotions are a daily thing, if not hour by hour. I have some fun things that are starting that are occupying my time. For instance I went to a wedding shower this past weekend for a friend that has been engaged 3 YEARS! Finally right?! It was great, what a family FULL of chaos but also lots of love. This coming weekend my husband participates in a HUGE parade in Dallas for St Patrick's Day. He is a firefighter and he marches with the Pipes and Drums Brigade. Us wives watch from the sidelines along with about another 50,000 or more people cheering them on and drinking beginning at 9 am! We travel then to the area pubs where the Brigade plays for the people and the establishment. We celebrate, eat and drink more and then we go to our hotel where we stay overnight and then go to have a nice dinner with great friends! Two weekends later we my husband and his friend will participate in a challenge that is 12 miles of craziness, mud, walls, electricity?!?! It's the Tough Mudder and claims to be the craziest and most difficult of all the crazy challenges! That will be fun cheering them on for that as well. It will be just 2 days before MY big day. See, I have a few things that will keep me busy that I'm looking forward to! I purposely waited till after March so that I could enjoy a few things.
I am ready to begin this journey. I would say "ready to get it over with" but since it will be about an 8-9 month process I think I would just setting myself up for frustration. Over with would be just that...surgery then done. Beginning would be just that...have the 1st of 3 (possibly 4) surgeries. I'm ready or as ready as I'm going to be anyway.
I still have to write about the Plastic appt but I don't think I can blog that in my phone. I will probably need the computer for that one :). Soon, soon...
My emotions are a daily thing, if not hour by hour. I have some fun things that are starting that are occupying my time. For instance I went to a wedding shower this past weekend for a friend that has been engaged 3 YEARS! Finally right?! It was great, what a family FULL of chaos but also lots of love. This coming weekend my husband participates in a HUGE parade in Dallas for St Patrick's Day. He is a firefighter and he marches with the Pipes and Drums Brigade. Us wives watch from the sidelines along with about another 50,000 or more people cheering them on and drinking beginning at 9 am! We travel then to the area pubs where the Brigade plays for the people and the establishment. We celebrate, eat and drink more and then we go to our hotel where we stay overnight and then go to have a nice dinner with great friends! Two weekends later we my husband and his friend will participate in a challenge that is 12 miles of craziness, mud, walls, electricity?!?! It's the Tough Mudder and claims to be the craziest and most difficult of all the crazy challenges! That will be fun cheering them on for that as well. It will be just 2 days before MY big day. See, I have a few things that will keep me busy that I'm looking forward to! I purposely waited till after March so that I could enjoy a few things.
I am ready to begin this journey. I would say "ready to get it over with" but since it will be about an 8-9 month process I think I would just setting myself up for frustration. Over with would be just that...surgery then done. Beginning would be just that...have the 1st of 3 (possibly 4) surgeries. I'm ready or as ready as I'm going to be anyway.
I still have to write about the Plastic appt but I don't think I can blog that in my phone. I will probably need the computer for that one :). Soon, soon...
Monday, March 5, 2012
Excuse me Mammogram
Thank you mammogram machine but I'll take my boobs back now thanks! I guess you can tell that I had a Mamm today. Never had one before and super glad that, as far as medicine knows for now, I won't ever have another one hallelujah! Now I know that we can do anything that we have to do even when it's unpleasant but this was just unreal. I didn't know if I wanted to cry, laugh, scream, punch the lady or what. So many emotions at once. One emotion that I kind of feel bad about was that I was SOOO angry at the father who gave me this mutation that I just wanted to punch him in the face! Ok, one set of issues at a time I know but I honestly had a moment where I felt so awkward in that machine and thought this shouldn't be happening. I'm 34 I should have 6 more years before I need to do this but here I stand sandwiched between a metal and plastic plate holding my breath with my thoughts!! Oh lord my "thoughts". The whole experience was weird though. I have to say, never having been to any other mammogram center, the Cass center in Dallas is nice. They've done a great job making it feel very feminine. I got an I.D. bracelet and we were called just like the animals on Noah's boat, two by two. So they check to make sure we are who we are and they old lady goes through her carefully scripted meticulously spoken spill. She walks us to another holding area where she tells to go into a room, undress from waist up and wipe our arms if we used deodorant. She reminded us that we were provided spray deodorant for when we were done. Then we needed to pick a locker and place our belongings in there and to keep the key. Ok so now we wait and it's a pretty short wait. Then I'm called and I go in. The tech tells me that I have 4 images to take and then we're done and the radiologist will let me know if we need to take more pics. So I go out to wait and comes out and says "we need to get a few more images, there were some areas of concern on your left side.." WTF!!! I about died...curve ball..did not see that one coming. I go in and she pulls out these super duper flattening out plates and she cranks it down. Oh boy..these were worse than the first! She tells me to go back out and wait. When we were on the back to do the second image I say to that I wondered if it was because of scar tissue from the portacath that used to be in my chest and answered quickly "no". I was terrified. See, I'm in mission mode and my mission is to remove my breast and ovaries to almost ELIMINATE my chances of ever having those cancers. I hadn't considered that they may "find something". I was sick. She came back and hands me the films with a slip that reads "Negative for suspicious cancerous finding.." or something like that. Yea! I'm finally "Negative" for something! I went back to the dressing room, cried, sprayed my stinky pits with the deodorant and left. Those scary 10 min I sat and waited only confirmed my decision to do the surgery. I can't imagine going the "Surveillance" route and having to get a Mamm every 6 mo forever. Will they see something "suspicious" every time or just this time?! I can't do that. First of all it hurts secondly it's nerve racking! The surgery in my opinion is the only way to go!
I went to the Plastic Surgeon last Thurs. I will blog about that soon. :)
I went to the Plastic Surgeon last Thurs. I will blog about that soon. :)
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Processing
I title it this because that's pretty much where I'm at with this. Let me start off saying that even though I don't struggle communicating ordinarilly, I am really have a hard time right now :-/. My thoughts are all of the place with this stuff. I mean I have only known about this Breast Cancer/BRCA stuff for 2 months. Here's where my head jacks with me....I am NO stranger to life changing on a dime. I've experienced it and seen it, it happens. That's why our older wiser friends caution us about "planning". You plan to grow up, go to college, have a career, get married, have kids, live well into your grand kids lives and then die and go to heaven right? All of that can and at some point usually DOES happen, the order and means of which it happens is the trick especially when it doesn't go according to "plan". "Plan-Busting" isn't always bad, in fact sometimes it's better. Like for instance, there is almost 9 years between our son and daughter. Now this was DEFINITELY not what I planned. I knew there was going to be at least 5 years but not 9 and I will say that for me, I would NEVER change it. I can honestly say that I like their two ages and how they balance out our family style, schedules, needs etc.. Financially we were better prepared for her when she came along. The 3 of us (me, hubby and our son) had been this little team for so long, it was kind of scary bringing someone else on that if G had been younger, I think I would've worried about him and if he would be understanding or not of how much time a baby would need etc. Now nothing was going without hitches but looking back I wouldn't change it! See MY plan worked out, it just did it differently that I "planned" it. Another great example that I REALLY have to focus to see is being diagnosed with Leukemia at the end of my pregnancy. Seriously. It took a while but I've had 12 years to reflect. I can possibly make sense of it in this post or probably not fully outside of my head lol so bare with me. At 22 with a new baby having only been married not quite a year in a half dealing with the worse news ever (well to me). I had some really DARK days for a long time and much of that time was a blur but when I finally rallied and became a participant in my treatments instead of a victim things got a lot better. I can't take the credit however. One of my worse nights at the hospital during treatments when I had all but given into the depression, sadness, nausea, fear, anger I had my first supernatural experience. I heard someone say softly "don't ...please don't give up.." it was not audible like if I were to talk to someone. It startled me because it seemed audible and with me being in the hospital room alone...I wasn't scared though, it couldn't have been worse and hey now I figured that I could officially add crazy to the list of other ailments :). I've mentioned my faith a few times in these posts and I don't feel like I need shove it anyone's face, flaunt it, prove it and so on but that one UGLY night I met the Lord. Cliche I know, tragic event/find faith right? Well for me it wasn't a boom or something dramatic it just this simple request "don't..". I stopped crying and went to sleep. The next day I woke and thought "hey I wonder if there's a bible in the night at a hospital like in a hotel room?" Duh of coarse there is it's a freaking hospital where people are sick and some that are on death's door need to knock on that bible one last time! So I got it out and read and read and read. Lots of crazy details have been omitted but from that time on not only was I healed from Leukemia, God also opened my EYES! I am SUCH a negative person by nature but I have always been able to stop at some point in a crisis (usually later haha)and reflect back to my lowest time. Not saying that the wisdom immediately remedies my behavior in a bad situation but it helps. I will use this God given wisdom now even as I sit and I'm scared, worried, lonely, frustrated, freaked, mad and wait for it...blessed. God took my "I'm 22 and I will have a cute baby, normal pregnancy and be super happy (hear the Pom poms?)" plan and tweaked it. He knew that BECAUSE I'm so negative that I would need a rainbow like Noah to say "hey you hard head! Why are you freaking out? I know that you're scared but remember I've brought you through MUCH harder, even sadder times and I'll get you through this too" how do you argue with that... I want to but I just can't. I know that this long post certainly disputes my "having a hard time communicating" issue. I actually re-read this and it helped and while at the beginning of this post I felt very low (usually do when husband's it home and it's quiet and I'm left with my thoughts)I feel a little clearer and I got to read how "blessed" I am in my own print :)I go tomorrow to the plastic surgeon to discuss how we're all going to resctuct me...wish us luck :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
1 Doctor Down...1 Doctor To Go
I met with the Oncological Breast surgeon on Wed. It went well and since I have done SO MUCH research, I really didn't any questions for her. Her only concern was to make sure, even though I am FOR SURE going through with the the surgery, that I knew there were 2 other options to consider. I tried not to read into her wanting to "inform" me. I asked her if she didn't agree with my choice,even with me laying out what I feel like are VERY obvious reasons, she assured me that she does support my choice. She just wanted me to know that there simply were other options if I didn't want to something as aggressive..ie surgery. As I've stated over and over, I'm having the surgery and make no mistake, it's not with out fear! I'm scared to death BUT it the "death" part that I'm scared of. See I've been there done that. I'm unfortunately all too familiar with the effects cancer has on self, a marriage, kids, and family. It's horrible, even surviving it, it takes A LONG time to heal mentally. I can't do that again. I can't sit and wait for BC or OC to come and invade me. So to comment on the above reference of the doctor wanting me to know that I don't have to "aggressive"...yes I do!
I don't want to paint a negative pic of my doc, she's just simply doing her job and had NO idea that I have devoted a lot of time to researching the BRCA shit. I'm sure she gets alot of people who come in looking for all the answers and she, rightfully so, has to slowly walk everyone through this. Well not this OCD girl :) I like control way too much and since there's nothing I can do to control BRCA, I CAN and WILL arm myself with knowledge on how to navigate my way through it.
As of now surgery will happen on Apr 2nd. That will be just 3 days before my 35th birthday. Wow. What a gift. If you know me, I'm sure you think I'm being a smart ass right now and you'd be partially right. In all honesty this surgery is the best gift a girl, in my position, can get! Seriously! I will give myself a 1% chance (from 87% chance) of never getting BC. I will recover physically and mentally a hell of alot faster from this than I would from actual cancer. I will show my kids how to be strong even while terrified. I get to spare J (husband, if you're a stranger) from going through cancer again, well this cancer at least ;). From a vanity perspective, I get to trade these 35 year old, used and abused breast in for a new pair ha! I'm struggling with the last one a little if I'm being honest :). All the above are great gifts but the best gift is I get to stay healthy and be alive.
The breast surgeon appt was really uneventful now the plastic surgeon appt next Thur however is going to be a riot! Thats when all the nitty gritty gets discussed. Boobs, boobs, boobs...big, medium, small? Saline or Silicone? Skin sparing/non-nipple sparing? Skin sparing/nipple sparing? WHAAATTT?!?!?! There's a reason we are just born with everything..ideally that is. The second we are about to be without something that we are supposed to have as women ie breast, there's a whole lot of stuff to think about! Honestly, other than loathing the fact that they now droop post nursing, I really never think about my boobs! Unfortunately, I better get really comfortable thinking about my boobs really fast :-/. Lord...
Now that I've brought "Him" up. I just want to state openly, I'm not mad at God in the least. I've been asked that a few times. Why would I be? If you have read any of my previous entries I have nothing to feel than gratitude. I am so grateful to have been divinely guided to my sisters to find this out if nothing else. I'm going to be in pain for quite some time sure, but so what? That pales in comparison for what the Lord has done for us and continues to do for me :) I know (because I've read ;) there are tons of scriptures to confirm my above statement but I will spare myself the embarrassment of not quoting and siting them correctly ha. I am very comfortable with the manner in which I know scriptures. Thank goodness God is ok with it too :)
See y'all next Thurs after the Plastic's appt. :)
I don't want to paint a negative pic of my doc, she's just simply doing her job and had NO idea that I have devoted a lot of time to researching the BRCA shit. I'm sure she gets alot of people who come in looking for all the answers and she, rightfully so, has to slowly walk everyone through this. Well not this OCD girl :) I like control way too much and since there's nothing I can do to control BRCA, I CAN and WILL arm myself with knowledge on how to navigate my way through it.
As of now surgery will happen on Apr 2nd. That will be just 3 days before my 35th birthday. Wow. What a gift. If you know me, I'm sure you think I'm being a smart ass right now and you'd be partially right. In all honesty this surgery is the best gift a girl, in my position, can get! Seriously! I will give myself a 1% chance (from 87% chance) of never getting BC. I will recover physically and mentally a hell of alot faster from this than I would from actual cancer. I will show my kids how to be strong even while terrified. I get to spare J (husband, if you're a stranger) from going through cancer again, well this cancer at least ;). From a vanity perspective, I get to trade these 35 year old, used and abused breast in for a new pair ha! I'm struggling with the last one a little if I'm being honest :). All the above are great gifts but the best gift is I get to stay healthy and be alive.
The breast surgeon appt was really uneventful now the plastic surgeon appt next Thur however is going to be a riot! Thats when all the nitty gritty gets discussed. Boobs, boobs, boobs...big, medium, small? Saline or Silicone? Skin sparing/non-nipple sparing? Skin sparing/nipple sparing? WHAAATTT?!?!?! There's a reason we are just born with everything..ideally that is. The second we are about to be without something that we are supposed to have as women ie breast, there's a whole lot of stuff to think about! Honestly, other than loathing the fact that they now droop post nursing, I really never think about my boobs! Unfortunately, I better get really comfortable thinking about my boobs really fast :-/. Lord...
Now that I've brought "Him" up. I just want to state openly, I'm not mad at God in the least. I've been asked that a few times. Why would I be? If you have read any of my previous entries I have nothing to feel than gratitude. I am so grateful to have been divinely guided to my sisters to find this out if nothing else. I'm going to be in pain for quite some time sure, but so what? That pales in comparison for what the Lord has done for us and continues to do for me :) I know (because I've read ;) there are tons of scriptures to confirm my above statement but I will spare myself the embarrassment of not quoting and siting them correctly ha. I am very comfortable with the manner in which I know scriptures. Thank goodness God is ok with it too :)
See y'all next Thurs after the Plastic's appt. :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
You're Going to Cut Them Off?!?!
We decided that after talking to the Genetic Counselor and since we were making plans to move forward with other dr and the surgery, that it was time to tell our son. He's 12 and fairly mature. We didn't want to worry about him over hearing us or slipping up and then having to worry about covering it so we decide that telling him NOW was best. We've always set the example of "it may be difficult to be honest, we may not like what we hear and someone may be upset but lying to each other was not an option!" We do this because we want him to know that we'll always shoot it straight him and that we expect the same. Having said all of that, we asked him to come in to the living room because we needed to talk to him. Naturally he was like "what did I do or what did I fail in school...?". We told him that it wasn't anything like that AND it had better stay that way haha! I asked him if he remembered that I was having a test done that had to do with testing my DNA to look to see if I carried a possibility of developing BC? I didn't get into the ovarian, melanoma, and pancreatic part, he's 12 not 34. The BC part is over whelming enough for me let alone a 12 year old processing it! He answered "yes" and said "you have it don't you?" I asked what he meant specifically so that I would only answer what he asked. He was in fact just asking about test for the gene and if I have that gene. I answered him yes. He said "well now what? Will you get or are you going to have BC?". I told him no because there were 3 options for me to choose from. He asked what they were and I went into it all. I told him that I could do the "Surveillance" and get scans every 6 months with the intention of catching it early IF I every become ill with BC. I told him that I could do the "Chemo Prevention" and that it would reduce my percentages some but that I would be on the medicine for ever. I then told him the 3rd option...the elective, radical procedures of PBM and Oophorectomy and that it would reduce my chances to 1% or less. He asked "Wait!...you're gonna cut 'em off?!". I went on to tell him about the percentages, what they are if I do nothing and what they were with each option. He had this crazy glassy eyed look on his face. I could see his wheels turning and turning. It then dawned on me that THAT was ALOT of info for a kid to process! I knew that it would be that way but no one likes to be in the dark or lied to so if someone reading this doesn't agree with our method then oh well :-/. I asked "how ya doin'?" he said "Well I guess fine but which one are you going to do?" I asked with all of the info provided and reminded him of the percentages etc what SHOULD I do? He said the surgeries. I told him that was the decision dad and I had come too and that even though I was scared and that there could be complications I just felt like it was the ONLY option. While the look of confusion was STILL all over his face, he agreed with us. He sat there for a minute and asked "you don't HAVE cancer right now do you?" Even though I can understand why he asked me that, I just hate that he even HAS to ask that. We were careful to lay it all out like.. "prevention, prevention, prevention..". I told him no and once again he asked "are you sure? Do you have it and aren't telling me. I mean, you're getting the surgery and I wouldn't know the difference!". I told him "you would know because I would be bald!". He said "well you've had cancer before so it's not crazy that I think that". He's right. He's smart and analytical and randomly listens to details and he's a worrier by nature although he doesn't always show it. I assured him that AM ok and that I will ALWAYS be honest with him about my health. He said "well, when your 90 you won't have boobs hangin' to you knees!" We laughed and said "you're right?!" He went on with more sentiments like that.. I'll spare you and save myself from some embarrassment but if you can imagine it he said it lol! He's a "come back over and over" kind of person once he knows something. It's how he processes, it's how I process. He had decided that we needed a "safety hug" and maybe a "safe word" again we're "processing". This went off and on till bed time. I asked him to PLEASE not go to school tomorrow and discuss this and he said "um I will NEVER go to school and discuss YOUR body with ANY of my friends...EVER! No worries there!" haha! He's really funny, a sarcastic little jokester actually. This was ok because if he was spending an entire evening "busting" on me, then he was spending an entire evening NOT worrying, in the "doom and gloom" sense. Our 3 year old will be much easier obviously. Not too worried there. She won't even remember! That's my "whole" thing...our son was spared from knowing ANYTHING with the Leukemia. Of course he knows the stories but he doesn't have any knowledge of living it in real time! Another motivating factor for me, and one of the main reasons that I have this one opportunity to spare my kids from this horrible cancer and it's my job as their mother to do so! It's my family, my body and my choice. You don't have to agree, hell, you don't even have to understand. Everyone would do something different. Thank goodness that we're not all the same and that there are other options. I picked the one that I'm comfortable with and the one we feel is the only option for me. I'm so blessed that my husband and kids agree with me and feel the same independently :).
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
How Did I Get Here?
Let first start with..I'm a quick thinker and can not near type fast enough to keep with my thoughts so if I miss spell a word or skip a word, just bare with me as I may not have the patience to go back and proof what I write :) Ok..I have 5 half siblings. I am the youngest. There are 2 girls (T is 54, G is 52) and 3 boys (B 50, S 46, T 40) and me (34). We ALL share the same dad but I have a different mom...wheww. I was not raise with my siblings or my bio dad so I didn't get to know any of them while growing up. My dad passed away when I was a senior in HS and I never got the chance to meet him. Upon learning of his death, I decided that I had to try to meet my brothers and sisters. I proceeded to look them up in the phone book (obviously a while ago lol). I found the middle brother and we planned for everyone to go to lunch for my little meet and greet. He unfortunately wasn't able to make it, but one of the other brothers and the 2 sisters came. It was sort of awkward but nice. I was finally able to put some faces with some names! We left that lunch with no further follow up. There wasn't any particular reason for this other than we were all virtually strangers and they were all busy with young kids and their personal lives I suspected. Five years passed and I reached out again. I called the same brother (S) that I had made contact with before but this time it was to gain "family health" knowledge because this is when I had Leukemia and it dawned on my mother that she really didn't know anything about my bio dad's family health. He wasn't really that helpful, he just honestly didn't know...men. Anyways, 8 years went by and I thought, I want to know where they all are... again!! I was always frustrated that it was me searching for them and making effort and not them, but life and age gives you perspective (Thank the Lord) and I knew there was simply NO way that they knew how to find me! My last name was legally changed in my teen years to my "step" last name and now I was married. They didn't know EITHER of those names. So once again I reached out. This time I thought that I would try another sibling (I have plenty to choose from) and I sent a short letter to B (he's up north) on Christmas Eve 2009. I never heard back. I was heart broken. I didn't tell anyone for quite some time because I was embarrassed. I finally told my mom and I just cried. See, I've thought about this people for ever and was just SO curious to know them. I told myself "that's it...no more putting myself out there.." I'd spent 32 years not knowing them so that's just the way it would be from here on out. Let me stop here..if you know me then you know this is a lie...I'M RELENTLESS! Seriously, I'm a serious glutton for punishment! Of course I didn't stop haha! Now I was on facebook. Good old FB! I searched for them before I added ANY friends. But nada..nothing. Now, with 5 siblings SOMEONE'S bound to be on FB right?! I did come across who I thought might be one of the boys (T) but his profile was "private" so I couldn't see anything..damn. Oh well, I would randomly search for them for the 2 years I have been on there. My curiousity was hightened at Christmas time (remember the unanswered letter??) This year would be no different. I seldom get on to FB from the computer but this particular time I did. I thought "what the hell" and I typed in a brother's name and this time a more familar picture was up and low and behold IT WASN'T PRIVATE! Yea!!! I skipped the pics and went straight for the friend's list because if the others were on there then this was my man. Sure enough, the oldest brother (B) and on his, a sister (G) and on her's the other sister (T). I thought wait why aren't they ALL on each other's FBs? I'm I about to tap into people who don't even stay connected themselves?! And then I thought..."Who the hell cares?! I found my people!". I then went back and looked over everyone's pics like I was studying for an exam ha...remember my "curiosity"? To my defense their profiles had been on lock down in the past and I wasn't sure if I would get another chance! When I made it back around to one of the sisters, I noticed that we had and "friend" in common and just like slow motion in a movie I see the "friend" and see where T works...drum roll...she works at my daughter's dance school! Holy Moly how in the hell could this be?! So wait, I've been going to this dance school weekly (Sept-May) of last year and (Sept - current) of this year and I didn't know that my sister was there? Only in my crazy life does this shit happen! I was alone and it was midnight when I discovered all of this and I could do NOTHING with it! That was a Wed and surprisingly I kept my patience till the next Wed would come so that when we go to dance I would just drop the bomb then...why not. When I got there that day I was really nervous. What would she say, what would she do, would she be happy, freaked, conflicted, relieved, indifferent, want me to leave the studio, would SHE want to leave the studio, would it go farther than me just being a dance parent??? If you haven't figured it out....I'm a worrier. I feel that it is fairly obvious but I just thought I would throw that out there just in case :). During the time of my discovery, I remembered that sister (T) had gone through breast cancer but thought, well she must be ok because she's there everyday and has hair etc. But I worried that she might not be, so naturally I wanted to check on that too. I went to dance and while all the girls went into the room I had private time to tell T who I was and I was SO relieved that she seemed joyed. She was definitely surprised but not in any of the negative ways that I worried she would be. I proceeded to ask her, "so tell me, you had BC or you have it still? What's going on with that? Are you ok?" T answered yes and filled me in on her current status etc..then she dropped her bomb. Not only did T have BC but so did our other sister G. G had it first, discovered that she tested positive for the mutated BRCA1 gene which is hereditary. Naturally she encouraged T to be tested and when T was tested and found positive for BRCA1 she was also diagnosed BC. She didn't know. They also conclusively ruled out their mother (they all have the same mom) for having this gene. That meant that OUR dad carried this BRCA1 gene and had passed it on to them. They were 42 & 47 when they were diagnosed. They knew that I too was at as much risk as they were and knew that I had had cancer in the past (remember I called brother to get family history). They didn't know how to find me. They just hoped that I would find them again, like before, and they would be able to warn me. Well this was "that day". T told me to go get tested soon to see if I too carried this gene because I would have some decisions to make. Seriously, I just wanted to meet a sister and got a WHOLE lot more than I bargained for ha. All kidding aside, OF COURSE I was thankful to know this. I too had a 50/50 chance like them, because of our dad, but thought surely he can be 3 for 3 right?! I let a month go by but got with the program and called my CURRENT oncologist (so shouldn't have to say that). The nurse said to definitely get on it and she gave me the number to the Genetics department for Breast Cancer Heredity. They got me in quick based on my family's history and the results came 4 days sooner that expected. Dad was 3 for 3. I was positive. They had easily identified the mutation comparing my DNA with my sisters. Wow. This was serious..obviously. Have you every felt as if you had dodged and been hit by a bullet at the same time. I did.
PLEASE HEAR THIS...Eventhough this sucks, I am so blessed that God made me the RELENTLESS, NEUROTIC WORRIER that I am. Had I not been, I would've never found this out. I would've never continued to seek these brothers and sister out and I very likely would've been a victim of cancer again at a young age. So this is "How I Got Here".
PLEASE HEAR THIS...Eventhough this sucks, I am so blessed that God made me the RELENTLESS, NEUROTIC WORRIER that I am. Had I not been, I would've never found this out. I would've never continued to seek these brothers and sister out and I very likely would've been a victim of cancer again at a young age. So this is "How I Got Here".
Monday, February 6, 2012
Back to the Genetic Counselor...a week early
Today has been stressful. I originally had this follow-up appt scheduled for NEXT Mon but I called this morning letting them know I would be able to come today if they were available. They had time this afternoon so I am here waiting to conclude my time/experience here and discuss where to go next. I fortunately know a girl who went through ALL of this stuff LAST year. Now, she was diagnosed stage 1 BC with no BRCA mutation but she had the double mastectomy. She filled me in on her experience with double mastectomy and reconstruction which helped ALOT! It's all about the fear of the unknown right? Will it hurt, will I look like a freak, will I be healthy or will I die? I think ALL of these are reasonable worries. I do a fairly good job at rationalizing these fears..yes it will uncomfortable. People walk around with fake boobs daily. I will be healthy because, with my aggressive preventative measures, I am cutting my breast and ovarian cancer chances down to 1% from 87%. Will I die, well no one knows that but God, but I do know that I feel that it will be very unlikely because I hold on to "what He brings me to, he'll bring me through!". That all I've got! I also have great supportive family as well. Unfortunately this is not my first cancer "rodeo" but I DON'T HAVE CANCER! I'm yelling at me not y'all ha!
After today's visit, we are telling my 12 year old son. I think he will give it about as much attention as anything else that doesn't involve cell phone, music and video games. Actually I'm counting on that! I feel so fortunate that he was spared watching me go through Leukemia. I don't want him to worry about or focus on me going through this surgery that will PREVENT cancer!
That's the whole point of the surgery right?! I had to medicate for the second day. I'm disappointed in that. I know, I know, people do it all the time. Yesterday I was in tears, sobbing, grieving, almost couldn't get it together to go to church, but I dug in and decided that was the devil jacking with me and I'm not one to jack with. Church of course was good and what my husband and I needed to hear. Today I didn't cry BUT thought I would throw up once I started moving around and hurrying from here to there...seriously..dry heaves people!
So I'm here now in Dallas waiting. Appt is at 2 and I think it will be quick. I will let y'all know ;)
After today's visit, we are telling my 12 year old son. I think he will give it about as much attention as anything else that doesn't involve cell phone, music and video games. Actually I'm counting on that! I feel so fortunate that he was spared watching me go through Leukemia. I don't want him to worry about or focus on me going through this surgery that will PREVENT cancer!
That's the whole point of the surgery right?! I had to medicate for the second day. I'm disappointed in that. I know, I know, people do it all the time. Yesterday I was in tears, sobbing, grieving, almost couldn't get it together to go to church, but I dug in and decided that was the devil jacking with me and I'm not one to jack with. Church of course was good and what my husband and I needed to hear. Today I didn't cry BUT thought I would throw up once I started moving around and hurrying from here to there...seriously..dry heaves people!
So I'm here now in Dallas waiting. Appt is at 2 and I think it will be quick. I will let y'all know ;)
Sunday, February 5, 2012
I Am Loved..Beginning..
I mentioned in my bio that I am 34 almost 35 and I have been with my husband for half my life. It's true! We dated in HS, I know I know it's a cliche right? I was 16 and he was 18. We have never NOT been in a relationship since Sept 24 1993. This May we will celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary and in Sept we will celebrate 19 years of being in each other's lives! This is one of several accomplishment that most I'm proud of!
In May 1998 we were married and in Jan 1999 I found out I was pregnant! Very exciting stuff since I wasn't sure how long it would take (heard that it could take a while) luckily it was the first month yea! First part of pregnany sucked, I was VERY sick. The 2nd trimester treated me better and in the middle of the 3rd trimester the shit hit the fan! I was 34wks (6 wks early) when I started to have some blood pressure issues, so I went in to my obgyn and she wanted to send me over to the hospital to be monitored. They determined that I was dilated to a 2 and were considering stopping my contractions for obvious reasons. The did routine blood work once they decided to keep me over night. The morning the doctor came in concerned that my "counts" we're "off" and they wanted to do more blood work. They proceeded to stick me off and on for 2 days! I knew this wasn't good. The problem was that my white blood cell count was low...2.1 (normal range is 4.5-11.0). Counts are often all over the place in pregnancy but this wasn't consistent with pregnancy. Decisions, decisions. They brought in a Hemotologist and he continued with the theme of perplexity. We asked him I the spirit of being DONE with the sticks and pokes, what would demystify my "issue". He quickly came back "Bone Marrow" test. He was against it because of the worry of not getting a good sample due to being pregnant. I asked would it conclusively rule on what my "issue" is and he said yes. Not everyone was a fan of this but at 22 years old and being scared TO DEATH I proceeded. That was a Wed and on Fri evening (be leary of a late dr visit and or phone call) he came in sat down in a room full of worried faces and eager eyes and dropped the most unthinkable bomb...I had Leukemia. I was devistated, I was 22, my baby is 5 wks from being due, and I have cancer. Leukemia, Acute Lymphocydic Leukemia to be exact, is a beat the clock sort of game and I just complicated it with a premature baby. What to do? They did a more detailed sonogram to see what the baby's lungs looked like and they were fully matured! This was a surprise and a much needed blessing. They thought "maybe her date's off" but it wasn't, it just the first of many miracles! A day and half later after 20 hrs of hard labor and the worry of serious blood loss and life threatening infections, I pushed for 45 min and delivered a 7 pound 13 ounce HEALTHY baby boy. He was perfect and beautiful and everything I wanted and I was possibly going to be taken from him before he knew me. See, while most new mothers were just tired and nusersing and preparing to go home and sit the next 6 wks out from work on Maternity leave, I had a bargained to be home with my baby for just 5 days, before I had to leave him for 6 weeks! While at home I was also preparing my home for my mother in law to come and stay to care for my new born so that my husband could go back and forth from Ft Worth to Dallas on a daily basis. This in deed was another blessing. Leaving him that day was one of the hardest things I have had to do (to date). Leukemia treatments are ALL in patient so I didn't get to leave and go home. I was treated for almost a year with intravenous chemo. I didn't have to stay for a year in the hospital, but I was in more than not. I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and my birthday all in the hospital. One of the Chemos that is super important in irradiating Leukemia is called Daunorubicin. REMEMBER THIS DRUG, IT'S IMPORTANT FOR LATER!! It did its job and then some. With this chemo comes a 5% chance of developing Cardiomyopathy (congestive heart failure) and I got it. This was bad news. I was immediatly started on meds and over time it corrected itself (not to 100% but pretty close) so I'll take it :). When my first year was up, I ended it with a Bone Marrow Harvest (fun). For the next 2 years I would continue on with oral chemotherapy and after 3 full years, I was done! I made it to the 5 year mark, I had a 5 year old, I lost all that weight, I had normal hair, and I was "cured". At 5 years they classify Leukemia "cured". I was so blessed and lucky!
Four years later I would get pregnant again (was having trouble) after hearing that I probably was going through early menopause (due to chemo). This time a heathy 8lb baby girl via a planned c-section that went beautifully! This was MY time to be a new mom again and go home, be tired, nurse my baby and sit 4 wks out from work...FINALLY..something normal! I healed great and went back to work with no complications. I mentioned that I nursed. I wasn't able to before and it wasn't something I obsessed about, but I feel so blessed that I was able to for 9 months...holy moly! She is 3 1/2 now and is a crazy, happy, healthy little girl! Thank God! My son is 12 1/2 and too is a happy, sometimes neurotic, HEALTHY young man...THANK GOD!! My kids are miracles that my husband have the privilege of raising. We had a REALLY rough start but it's all worked out...right?
The Beginning...Suprised but Not...
Friday, Feb 3rd at 10am I received the results to genetic testing for BRCA mutation. While chemically straightening someone's hair, the counselor told me that I was IN FACT positive for the BRCA 1 gene mutation. I was surprised but not, disappointed but relieved. Relieved to know that I have a "heads up" for the strong possibility of developing breast and/or ovarian cancer in my lifetime but disappointed in knowing I was facing semi-life altering changes to my body! I had pre-decided that I would have a PBM (Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy) and Oophorectomy. The order in which I will have these procedures is still to be determined. I go back to the genetic counselor on the 13th to advise what the next steps are (surgeons etc). Since I have already made my decision, I am eager to get started, eager but SCARED! People tend to see me as a "Strong Person". I personally don't see it. The truth is I'm really a terrified person that is able to make difficult decisions, be put to the test (hard test) time and time again, go through challenging trials and disappointments, and manage to survive? I say "survive" with a question because I can't figure out how I am able to do it. For starters, I have a deep faith. A faith that I came to ALL on my own. I wasn't raised in church. Of course we went to church occasionally and as a youth, I went with friends to their churches but honestly it was popular and I wanted to belong. I do most often believe its because God knows I'm strong, that I can endure, and that I am in fact strong. I don't see it, but I guess it only matters that He sees it right? Belief in things you can't see and explain is faith and at the end of the day that's something I can count on to comfort me.
I am going to sort jump around in these first few post. I felt that it was important to start at my current status and work from there.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)