It's that simple right?! Oh how I wish it was, but at least for my 3 yr old it is. We were on our way to my Pre-op appt this past Monday when she was playing with my phone and while never looking up she asked me this. At least I'm doing a good job prepping the kids as best as I can right? My son (12) told me tonight that he can't wait for me to have my surgery. While I have a few ideas as to why (I can quit being cranky, we can stop talking about it, etc...) I asked why and he simply says "so we can a gallon of half and half tea here while you're recovering". Yep, think its fair to say that we've at least prepared them up to this point. Of course, we have new roads to navigate following Mon but we feel pretty good as parents regarding this.
Emotions have been ALL over the place in over drive this week. No surprise really, I mean it's only 3 days before surgery you know. Oh Lord. I'm prepared. I'm in shock. I'm mad. I'm ok. I'm afraid. I'm ready to do this. I'm I'm I'm...I'm making a decision that I don't want to make but so glad that I can. See, push pull. I'm tired.. no surprise as to why. I'm having to surrender to a situation that is bitter sweet. My husband is so great, greater than I deserve. See, I'm back on a path, Path "C", that I walked and completed 12 years ago. We walked it..together. Don't mishear me, I don't have nor think I'll get Breast or Ovarian cancer but the fact that unbeknownst to me, I carry another chance of cancer is VERY frustrating. I am so happy to have survived leukemia and that my young husband didn't ditch my sick ass and head for the hills! He could've you know. Some people just can't "deal" but not J. He's one of a kind. My heart hurts that I've yanked him back down this road, sort of. He's scared too. I mull over the "what if". What if I didn't find this out, didn't continue to be curious about my half siblings enough to hunt them down even though i got more than i bargained upon my meeting :-/. It's times like this that I'm glad I'm determined. Ordinarily I just get on my own nerves with my inability to let shit go but this is one of the good times.
Pre-op was bad. Unimportant as to why really, just too many bad memories. The hospital in Dallas is the same where I spent the better part of a year during treatments. I have a unsettling calm about it. Crazy to think I'll be there just over night but I'm glad about that. I've been trying to sort through the fear and what I've come up with of course is the fear of the unknown. No surprise, that's everyone's right? Specifically I'm trying to prepare myself to just try to find peace about what my new self will look like. I know this pales in comparison to the alternative. Having to adjust to a new look is SO MUCH BETTER than trying to do that while fighting cancer but it's how I feel right now. I know I'll get there but it comes back to that damn "path", I won't get "there" till I walk it??? Damn.
I hope the ones who read this, that don't know me, will find comfort in my highs and lows and everything in between. After tonight I will be on to another emotion. Manic seems to be effecting me now, where tears gripped me this morning and basic anxiety chocked me out during the day. For the ones who know me, while I fight, wrestle and cry, I usually pull through and better for it (I hope that's what you think lol!). I have a lot of people showing support...people that don't have to and haven't known me that long, but they do and they have faith that I'll be strong enough. I'm truly touched. This is what it's all about...people pulling together and supporting one another. If you're in my situation, I pray that you too have support and are doing as best as you can during your time.
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