That's it "slow". I'm slow. If you know me, this isn't a word that I would be proud to be described as nor am I proud to describe myself as this. Not until you're "slow" do you realize that you rush and do everything as fast as you can on a daily basis. I don't try to be this way BUT apparently that is just my personality type?! So..I'm struggling with this. You would think that with as many life bullets I've dodged in my adulthood, that I wouldn't be in a hurry to get done with a day or get over an event or rush my kids, family...check off my check list?! I should slowww down and "be" in a conversation with a friend or stop and read a book to my 3 year old (I do this one but ya know...) eat slower, walk slower, talk slower, slow my thoughts...this is all hard for me. Now, I would NEVER want to be so laid back that I get nothing done or be lazy but a little slower wouldn't hurt I suppose. I even physically write slower right now because you don't realize that you engage your peck muscles to do that!
Right now I don't have a choice. I walk slower because these Expanders don't move, my skin just moves around them, so since its uncomfortable and effing creepy, I walk slower. I talk slower and less because apparently I become some passionate (this makes my laugh at myself) even in basics conversations that my chest/foobies start to spasm and it's uncomfortable and also effing creepy! I can't really read long stories to my C-girl b/c of the tightness but I try to make do. I eat less BUT not necessarily healthier lately b/c well, I feel sorry for myself and I guess I think I deserve to eat junk food?! This situation is currently under review and is stopping now! This just leaves my "thoughts" to be addressed. There's NO bio feedback lol to slow those other than tears. I do a good job at pushing those down most of the time but still. Oddly enough, while I don't want the physical limitations (slowness) I crave for my mind to slow the F down! While I still ache and I'm so cold ALL THE TIME that I sit in sweats and under a heating blanket,I'm left to "think" about how bad I still feel and that I know that I haven't bounced right back and that it will be a while before I do and that my chest feels weird and I wonder if that will ever change and will I run again and work fast again and talk fast again and and and and...see, rapid fire thinking! If I could only get paid for thinking ;). Do you know that when I drink cold things I feel it in my foobs? We've all had that feeling of drinking something cold first thing in the morning, milk maybe?, and feeling it go cold all the way down. Mine now stops at the foobs...really?! What in the hell has happened to my body. DISCLAIMER...I know and appreciate how lucky I am that this isn't coupled with chemo...I've actually had people want to remind me of this, kindly of course, that haven't had any REAL health problems themselves...even much older than me :) While I DO appreciate the help and try to remember its coming from a good place and really it's because this is uncomfortable to them...shut the fuck up. I DO appreciate the well wishes and the kind words even if some aren't helpful. I know people mean well :). Sorry mom...I know that you're probably not super excited that I wrote the "f" word and that you've encouraged your friends to read this lol..you too Cindy...but I am what I am :-/ My goal is truly not to offend anyone...honest to God!
On a brighter note...my amazingly adjustable family is taking the foobs on the chin :). While this is all horrible mentally for me, our conversations about them are quite comical at times :) I'm happy for this. I've had great support from my mom and mother-n-law and from friends. Some of the friends, that I thought were kinda like baby/beginner friendships or I was just sort of unsure of the depth of them, have turned out to be some of my greatest supporters?!!! God is so wonderful and has made some truly wonderful people just like him! These friends have not only embraced me but the hubs and my kids too! They love
us and show it. It's times like these when people's true colors come out and J and I have really seen who's "in" and who's "out".
Well if you were brave enough to read this today, I hope you weren't offended by my ranting and I hope that you were maybe possibly entertained by some of the Kelly "fashion"?!
Recap...I'm slow right and I'm bothered by this. That's just it. I'm not even bothered by the small boob size and I thought I would really struggle with that?! My husband is still AMAZING and my kids are getting use to all of this. I just need to get with the program and I know that I will but today just isn't that day :-/. I think I've mentioned once or twice that I'm super flawed? I AM better and faster than I was even a wk ago, I just want to be better now kay thanks :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random
I think I'm manic (probably just excited about getting the infamous drain out tomorrow) but I can't wait till tomorrow at 8:30 am when I call and head to big D to get this biatch OUT! Wooooo!!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Another thing..I think it's setting in that THIS has happened to me. Now, now before you go thinking that I've officially lost it, I DEFINITELY know that this has "physically" happened to me. I hurt, I get tight from spasms that OMG stop me in my track, and I have less than half the boob size I had before! Mentally though...I'm not going to say "yeah I'm there" but I think I'm close. I'm super good with talking about this and educating people about HBOC (hereditary breast & ovarian cancer) but I don't always "feel it" mentally. That's a trick I picked up a long time ago. Sometimes it's good sometimes it's not, but it is what it is right?
What I know is this...2 WEEKS before Christmas 2011, I searched once again for my half brothers and sisters and found them...ALL! A week after that I formally introduced myself to my oldest half-ie, T, who I've been around for 1 and a half dance seasons (my daughter's) and see every Wednesday. After a tiny but wonderful reunion, she tells me I need to be checked for the Breast Cancer gene because she and our other sis not only have/had BC but have the gene. In Feb I get tested and within 3 days conclusively find out that I'm positive for it too! On April 2 have a Prophylatic Bilateral Mastectomy! 4 freaking months...4 months...boom.
Now, I'm a good stress multi-tasker but this is rediculous even for me. The fact of the matter is it DID happen and that's where I hit a skid in my record. I have had a drain for 21 days and consequently NO traditional shower for 21 days. I have stood in my tub and "bird bathed". My PS referred to it that way and I figured it does sound better than "spit" or "whore" baths I mean, am I right?! Those are fun, but come on lol. I've slept in my recliner for 21 days as well. As long as I had this drain, I just didn't want to risk rolling over on it and doing something that made me end up keeping it longer...shit!
Back to my "half-ies", I like them..so far i really do! I've talked quite a bit on FB with one ("B") b/c he's been laid up, sort of, too with a back injury and has been off of work. He's the oldest of the boys..50..wow. I like "T", a sis (the one I see weekly), a lot. I get to know her more and more and feel really comfortable around her. It's nice. The youngest of the brothers sent me a "hang in there and warrior on" message on FB (he's a marine) that meant a lot and mentioned that we need to make a meeting happen ASAP. I've communicated limitedly with the other sis b/c she has some stuff going on right now that's complicated BUT she sent love and support prior to my surgery. One brother I have yet to communicate with, partly because I hadn't gotten his info yet (now do) and well, I've been A LITTLE busy haha. That's next on my list. I don't know if any of them read this but if y'all do I want you to know I have no expectations from you. This is NOT in a negative sense. I'm just grateful for the connections I've made and I'm happy. I'm happy that y'all have referred to me as "sister" which to me is huge BECAUSE we didn't grow up together and people have different views on these sort of things ya know? Y'all are so much older it would be easy to say "oh yeah...hey glad to hear from ya...take care" but that's not been the case :)
I just thought I would give a little update on the sibs since I haven't (since the beginning). Life is good, family is great, strangers are generous, healing is slow but getting there and I'm blessed...lucky and blessed!
Also, I love the fact that my hubs and my son have picked up and like the term foob and foobies. It's the little things right? My daughter (3) even has her role. She checks my drain bottle every morning to see how much "bwuddd" is in there ha! This morning I'm happy to report that she said "Oooh mom, it's little! There's not very much bwud in there today :)". We're a team and there ya go, blessed!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Still Have A Drain
Like it says, it's still there. Dr Meade thinks that I look "beautiful" (for what this stage all is) and that I'm healing just like I'm supposed to! My right breast is visibly bruised and he thinks that coupled with the areolas trying to heal, that why all the fluid accumulation. Makes sense. He decided to do an expansion "fill" today for therapeutic reasons. It was in effort to create less space in the foob so, if there is less room in the foob (skin, muscle, expander) then less fluid. That's the goal AND hope.
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
After surgery I woke up with 200cc in each expander and he did 100cc in each today. Since he did the expansion about 2 wks earlier than planned (explanation above) we are waiting a month to do the next expansion. At first I was like, no way...I don't want to wait a month to get some more foobies....but honestly it's fine. Doing it sooner would hurt my areolas (they're fighting hard and winning I might add for the most part!) and I just need a break! I will have a month break from going to Dallas (minus getting this drain out) and I can get use to the foobies and acclimate to work and so forth and so on. I can also give my SUV a break since I live about 50 miles from my dr in Dallas! I have to add though...I would walk my ass to Dallas to get this drain out if I had NO other choice. I would also pay double the amount in gas to get it removed. Dr Meade gave great hope that Monday would be our day and maybe even tomorrow. He said this fill today will slow it down big time and it could be enough that he WOULD take it out tomorrow. Lets hope :)
I feel good about progress. It's all slower than I want but hey, I'm healthy and I'm here so there ya go. I'm a large "A" cup right now (I would guess) maybe a tad bigger?
I'll let y'all know when it's out ;)
Monday, April 16, 2012
2 Weeks...Oh Man
2 weeks ago today I had a Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy (PBM). Man, I barely remember the first week, I remember it wasn't fun, but if I don't have a "clear" recollection of that week it must have been bearable :).
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Here's where I'm at now...I still have 1 of the 4 drains remaining. I'm glad I didn't know I would 4 drains until AFTER surgery. Even though I was familiar with drains, I'd only had 2, 4 just seems blah and they are :). In order to get this last bastard out of me I have to "lay low, relax, restrict activity, don't do anything, reduce my fluids (?) only drink when thirsty, don't eat salty (b/c it'll make me thirsty) and be patient". What the hell?! That's ALL I've been doing. I don't do a thing, I have to "restrict" my ALREADY restricted activity and now I'm puffy from not drinking lots of water like I'm use to. Now, I haven't been hitting it out of the park in the "patience" department because I'm human and I'm OVER IT! I'm still taking pain meds (hydrocodein) about every 6 or so hrs. I posted last week that my surgeon wanted to incorporate Valium to the mix for the spasms and tightness. Last week when I tried it was like a nightmare. I think that with the hydro and still coming off of all the anesthesia and adding Valium was too much. Well this past weekend the spasms were too much and I had pain ON TOP of the tightness so I broke down and took half of the Valium (2.5 mg) every 4 hrs and it helped alot! So that where I'm at with my meds. I promise I'm not a stoned idiot on these meds. I can actually feel human and can function.
I'm not sure that I've been clear on the route I've chosen to go with my PBM. I had the mastectomy and had Tissue Expanders placed in. These will start to be "filled" via a port in each breast and a needle with saline in few weeks. This will happen about twice a month till June? Then I will have these Expanders surgically removed and have implants (most likely gel/silicone) placed sometime in July. They will probably liposuction the underarm fat (hallelujah!!!) and inject it into the boob or Foob (fake-boob) area as filler. I won't have any fat in the Foobs anymore so for conturing purposes they will have to transfer some...fine by me ;). I already hate these things. I will deal with it because, well they're already in there and because I trust the method, but I hate them. My chest doesn't cave. I feel like I have a coat hanger in my chest (not that anyone would ever experience a coat hanger in the chest) but it's the closest analogy I can come up with. I can't hug. Not a big "hugger" anyway but I'd like to hug J and the kids. I miss that. I miss curling my arms around them and folding inward and now I can't. I can't. I have tears as I write this part and I push those down because I know this is temporary and important and it won't get me anywhere. I CAN'T hug now so that I CAN hug later :). Good trade off, hate that I'm having to "trade off" but, good trade off. These Foobs feel weird. I can almost see why women who may have been previously shy about their bodies )prior to boob jobs) are instantly inspired to show their new boob jobs! I am SO modest and I would probably show these weird things. I would feel strange, but I think I could. For one, I know people are curious and why not right?! What does a flat chested, breast hollowed out, tissue expander woman look like? Well, weird, that's how. I still really can't look at myself as I am instantly saddened by what I see and by what has happened. I do my dressings from my chair and not in front of a mirror. We went with an "Areola Sparring" procedure and I have to put silva-dine ointment on the struggling little darlings (areolas) twice a day. They are gross but I hope that one day they'll be as beautiful as they can be, besides I won't have BC so I guess that makes these "train wrecks" for breast already beautiful right? These are the thoughts I struggle with daily. I think I would show these off also because of the medical artistry that goes into this. I mean it really is miraculous! I'm anxious to watch my chest go from looking like a 12 yr old to large bubble wrap bubbles. Some of you reading, know what I'm talking about because I've showed you pics from the Internet ha. I know that from now till July is all just a process and that thank the Lord, will NOT reflect my outcome. When I have the "Exchange Surgery" (Expanders out and Implants in) I will most likely look like all of the other boob job girls out there!
Wrapping it up...still have a drain..sore and spasms...and it feels like a coat hanger in my chest...OH I've slept in my recliner for 2 weeks. It's a large nice leather one, thank God for that!
My family has been great! With my son's baseball games and with my crazy 3 year old daughter needing to get out of the house. Mimi and Grammy have been heroes! Some friends brought food, sent gourmet popcorn in a huge can, Harry and David's pear and goodies collection, flowers and cards! Awesome and so unexpected! People helping people. A friend of mine and her 5th grade daughter walked a Komen walk this past Saturday and on their "numbers" there was a "tribute/celebration" area and they "celebrated" me?! I didn't know what to think. I don't have BC but then again, I just didn't have it yet. I guess they decided to celebrate my Pre-Fight. Wow just..wow! Last week I had a sophomore girl I've know since she was in elem school ask me how I was, I told her that "doing ok but just so sore". She wrote back "I bet. You're amazing :)". Wow. Does that mean she's read this or that her mom has discussed this in front of her? Either way, I realize that a 15 yr old girl knows about my situation and has decided to imagine what this ALL is?! I'm honored by her confidence, amazed by her maturity and saddened that she, at 15, has considered my plight. If she's reading this blog, I've helped her do just that but still....I forgot about the young girls that may read this.
I go Thurs for my 2nd post-op with the plastic surgeon. I'm anxious for that appt. I barely remember the first post-op appt meaning he got off easy in that I more than likely didn't ask any questions (unlike me). I feel sorry for him now! Haha not really. He's had me take pics with my iPhone and email him the pics of my areolas as we've gone along. He emails comments back to me and I've asked a few questions then. He's great. He gets right back with me. Not a lot of drs would do that. He's very hands on and isn't surrounded by lots of red tape! That makes me a happy girl :)
I'll report more when I know more :)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Better Day
Today was much better..so at 6 days out it was better. I slept all night last night, pretty much. I took a decent nap today and I went to my in-laws tonight for a small Easter celebration. The rain had stopped and we were left with an overcasty cool evening. It was nice and what I needed. I got a little nutty with the 5 kids that were there but they're kids and they were excited!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Cramping/spasms are coming on STRONG now!! So that is a little annoying but part of it :-/. I go Tues for my post-op appt with the Breast Surgeon. I'm sure that will be the last time I see her and with the nature of her business (oncologist) I have to say I'm not that sad about it ;). My drains are just spitting out fluid/ blood now so I'm hoping to make it a "bonus" visit on over to the plastic surgeon while I'm in Dallas to get these puppies OUT!!!
Changing it up a bit
Ok I don't think that the Hydrocodein/Valium combo is going work. I've done a little better going back to 2 hydros every 5-6 hrs. I was a little nauseous this evening and remembered that I have some phenegren, a low dose..12.5 mg. Regular dose is 25 mg. I was prescribed it to take along with 1 hydrocodein at night when I had my tummy tuck. It wasn't used for nausea then per-say, but that plastic surgeon said that when used with a pain pill/narcotic, it is sort of a catalyst for the pain meds to have a smoother longer lasting effect. I was nauseous tonight so that was my motivation but I quickly remembered the "trick". The Valium kept me up paranoid and I'm pretty sure, hallucinating the last 2 nights, leaving me wrecked and worse off the last 2 mornings. So we'll see if this works :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
I was so emotional again today but it may have been exaggerated by exhaustion! It may be also been due in part of missing my friend's wedding. My girlfriends that were there blew my phone up sending me pictures and texting details, even the tinniest of ones, so as a result of it all, I cried and cried tonight. I missed out and it broke my heart. My 3 year old was certain that it was my husband's fault so she rode him like a donkey about leaving her mommy ALONE! I hugged her and assured her that this was not the case and told her how much her daddy helps me and makes me happy. She would cut her eyes at him, unsure of whether she was buying it or not. :)
I find myself lonely and desperately wanting company! Not long stays but just pop-ins to say "hey", just long enough to distract me! Oh well, this too is most likely a result of fatigue, who knows :-/.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Post-Op Appt 1
I didn't post yesterday due to being emotional and tired. I'm still those things but I have a little better handle on them at the moment.
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
The appt went good. He confirmed that to look and feel like shit is totally normal. Good to know. He also thinks recovery wise I am right on target. I mentioned to him that my left boob is the most sore and looks less inflated than the right. He said to not EVEN evaluate them right now because they are not even remotely what they will look like in just a couple of weeks. One side more inflated or not, right now doesn't matter because they are just "space holders" at the moment. Makes sense. Honestly, I'm so tired that I'll just go with and not over think it. :). He asked what I'm doing for pain and I told him that I was taking the 2 hydrocodeins every 4-5 hrs and stopped because my head was swimmy. That I went back to 1 pill and then after 2 hrs I would also take ibuprofen and then just alternate. He said no. Too early for that and I'm still not being relieved from that combo either. He suggested to be on 1 hydrocodein (every 4 hrs)with 5mg of Valium (every 8 hrs). Or go back to the 2 hydrocodein every 4 -6 hrs. Since I'm a few days out from anesthesia and should be a little less swimmy I decided to immediately try that combo again. My night went from bad to worse. I cried ALOT! I just think that I started to feel my emotions and I was sad. I was mad. I was frustrated. I was hurting. And then I felt guilty for feeling ANY of those things. I felt like a burden and then I thought "what if this had been coupled with cancer?" and the thought was horrifying. I could instantly remember the sickness, the despair, the fright and then I would cry MORE. I apologized over and over to my husband for being "here" again. He hates when I put that on myself but it's how I feel.
Yesterday was my birthday and I turned 35. I feel no different. I was flooded with so many combined Birthday and Well wishes on Facebook that it was overwhelming! Not in a bad way but in an astonishing way. I'm so self deprecating 85% of the time, to think that people were emailing, facebooking and private messaging their love, not just happy bday, but their want for me to be happy and get well?! I don't know, it could've been the medicine but I was so humbled. Dozens of people that I see daily or that I haven't seen in 15-20 years reached out to say "hey, I care and I'm pulling for ya". We're evidently important to alot of people, why wasn't I aware of this before, well go back to that "self deprecating" statement. :-/.
I tried the hydrocodein/Valium combo before bed. I was a wreck and I knew Valium was an anti anxiety as well as a muscle relaxer so I took it. I'm not a huge fan of Valium. I just feel super stoned on it but what the hell right?
Surprisingly I haven't been real sad about my breast size. It's probably because I know it's temporary but I don't feel insecure about it like I thought I would or insecure to let Jason see it like I thought I would! Hell lets be honest, he's been putting the ointment on me and changing the dressings and I would be screwed if he wasn't! I love him. We are such a team and are TOTALLY ok to be in the trenches together. If this were one of his body parts I'd be totally in...not a hesitation!
The dr said that he was as pleased with the Areola sparring procedure as he could be. He said that some of it will die and scar but that the scar will just blend with the remaining areola. Whatever, sounds good to me. I knew it was a risk going in but well worth it in my opinion. He changed my ointment from bacitracin to silvidine (sp?) to help the blood get up to the areolas. I have to do that 3x daily till the drains come out. That should be some time next week. I've been amazed at I am able to do. I just knew that I wouldn't be able to lift my arms up or out to the sides but I've been able to since day 2. I have to go slow of course but I can do it. I can also wash my arms and body (no showers yet) Jason helps though. I can get my own water and can get in and out of the car. I can get in and out of my recliner. I can also put my hair in a low pony tail! I think that's pretty good. I had no idea what to expect, you know?
This Easter weekend will, like usual, be a busy one. One that I will mostly likely miss out on. Our big family celebration is about 20-30 min away and even though it will be inside for the most part, my husband feels like I will just be too overwhelmed by going and get too tired. He just doesn't want any set backs...I agree. My inlaws are doing something small and they are closer so if I get a wild hair I may go to that but I can make no decision till up to the moment. The sad thing is, I bitch every year about how do we fit church and parties and Easter bunny stuff and naps and food that we're taking and cameras and on and on! Shame on me. I'm not saying that I'll be reformed and forever appreciative of the chaos that IS my family, I'm just saying that I'm sad to be missing out this year..if we do :-/. To add more to the plate, a good friend of mine is getting married on Sat. She more like the little sister I never wanted but love nonetheless! Its sort of casual and is close to my house, just family and friends and outside. Ceremonies are short right?! It's something else that I most likely won't attend. Here's the thing, I scheduled the surgery. Me, all by myself. I could've waited till next monday and wouldn't have missed any of these glorious events. But now on the other side of the nerves and anticipation I'm glad I didn't wait, so I know I can't feel sorry for myself and that it is what it is :).
One thing I'm looking forward to today is going to my salon and getting my hair washed and dried! It's the little things right?! I will feel better and I will be happy to see my friends! I'll be tired after but it'll be worth it :).
Wow I wrote alot! I wasn't sure prior to starting but I just wanted to give an update for those who haven't had their surgeries yet :). I have the Blogger app on my phone and have done this entirely by thumb! I love my iPhone :)
So here's a recap...4 days out, emotional, VERY sore, and tired. also very glad I did this at the same time. Thanks for listening...hope I didn't wear ya out :)
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Post-Op Day 1
I'm still here! I really wasn't in any frame of mind to blog last night so I'll hit the highlights. Going into surgery was fine and I was surprisingly calm, well so to speak. I was in quite a bit of pain after surgery. Specifically on my left side. I really feel like that there were serious miscommunications between me and the recovery nurse. I told her that my pain was a "6" and she would just say "yeah, you're going to be there for a few days..." almost condescendingly. I asked what she meant and she replied "at a 5/6 for a few days...". She didn't give me more meds so I had to wait till I got to my room (stayed over night). When I got up there they had to do my vitals even though we just did them in Recovery. The assistant nurse took my left arm out to the side to slip the blood pressure cuff on and sort of jerked it. I screamed! It hurt so effing bad that I almost passed out! He didn't mean to but it set me back some. It freaked my nurse out too so she called for some Morphine and said to do nothing else to me till the Morphine had a chance to work. I got a small amount of relief and we went for it all. I suffered through and they were careful. I never really rested. I had to pee twice that night which is good but Lord was it hard to get up and down! I had a Morphine push every 2 hours from 7:30 till 3. They wanted me to switch to the oral pain meds before I went home to make sure that what I had was going to work. I was scared to (fearing that it wouldn't work and I'd be screwed)but can't take the iv home with me so oral it was. It worked and now the key has been to STAY ON TOP of the meds!!! I'll be honest I'm still working with a 4-6 on the pain number scale. So I've decided that the pain meds aren't going take the pain away, they're just going to let me tolerate it. My husband is so stressed out! I feel so bad for him. He's just so worried and hasn't seen me in pain like that I a long time I guess or ever. For him the worry coupled with past cancer junk. I can understand that.
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
I came home today around noon. Only I have a surgery and drive directly into an oncoming storm! We beat it by about 10 min and then the bottom feel out. Rain, hail, winds and no nearby tornados but they were off and on in the DFW area :-/. Honestly I wasn't scared, I was so glad to be home I was almost daring a storm to jack with me!
I'm still glad I did this. Of course you don't feel that way when you're hurting but I'm truly happy. I'll write so more tomorrow or the next day :)
Monday, April 2, 2012
Surgery Day
Headed to Dallas to first get my markings at the plastic surgeon and then to the hospital by 10 am to check-in. They are hoping to start surgery between 11-12:00. Plastic's is hoping to start between 1-2:00. I pray that the start times are the earlier ones. There's really no way to predict because it's Monday, I'm at a big hospital and prior surgeries that may run behind :-/. I haven't had a surgery start later than 7:30 in a long time! I have NO fear of being hungry but thirsty?!
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
I hope to post something tonight but if not I will tomorrow for sure. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. So far I feel strangely calm...I have no ideas about that one :-).
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Revelations
This one will be short. Maybe? I may be making several entries today as I think of things to unload. I intend for it to be but it may be a novel who knows! You never can tell about me :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
We went out last night and stayed out which to my surprise, I had a great time! Not because of what we did or the friends we were with (because I ALWAYS love the time we spend with them!) but because after the fun was over I knew the only left to do would be the surgery. The Tough Mudder was just that..tough and muddy. Our men were exhausted but felt totally accomplished and we ALL feel sure that we don't know many who could've done it all the way through. People were quitting right and left! People needed medical attention, broken bones and one air lift! Not to feel sorry for ourselves, but the other wife/friend "D" and I were tired too! I know, walking all around a 12 mile course trying to see our men, for 6 hrs, a fully sunny day that happened to be the first HOT day of Spring, no water, no food AND we ALL did it on purpose! I know you feel very sorry for us! While we were unsuccessful in finding our men, we went to one of the obstacles called "Everest". It was a half pipe that was very tall, muddy and oily. The event staff would periodically come and pour/squirt cooking oil at the bottom and at the top! I found watching these crazy souls sprint and throw themselves up this impossible "Everest" to be amusing :). One brave and muddy man walked up and we noticed that he was missing an arm. He had a prosthesis with a hook. He was probably in his 30s. He was physically fit and I am going to assume that he is probably a vet. He sprinted and gave it a good try to get up that pipe but was unsuccessful. Others started to be aware and decided that everyone needed to figure this situation out. About 10 men started to lay on their backs and stack themselves to form a ladder and a base. He climbed over the human ladder and got on his back and stretched his remaining natural arm up while the men up top reached down to help his up Everest. It was amazing to witness this man's determination and perseverance. He never looked defeated and frustrated and he had every reason to. He used 1 ARM, grabbed those men above, kicked his legs up, the men grabbed them and he was over and it was done! I don't think that I will ever be able to describe how humbling that was and how honored I felt to watch him. See, I'm sure that the day he lost his arm was a game changer, a life changer. He had to then make the decision that having just one arm was not going to be enough. He then had to to decide that he would have to heal, adapt and move on. He clearly has, not without struggles and weakness and most likely a sense of loss, but...he HAS moved on. I was moved to tears and I realized that I have to do what he did. I have to heal, adapt and....move on. I HAVE to do ALL of these things to get back to what makes me feel accomplished..running! It's not "Everest" but it might as be to me. Don't get me wrong I love to run and do it for many more reasons than weight loss and physical health. He showed me that it is totally doable and that it WILL happen as long as I remain determined and persevere!
Surgery is tomorrow. 3 days before my 35th birthday. It will be a great present to myself. I will eliminate one cancer that seems to be plaguing more and more women everyday. Young, old, fat, skinny, all races, rich, poor, healthy, sickly, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, daughters, wives and moms. Cancer is a mean bitch and as you can read, doesn't give a shit about whom it effects! I'm lucky...and I've been on the other end to know. Thank God that it all worked out and thank God it will this time too!
One more thing..those friends that we spent all day and night with surprised me with a gift. Not a bday gift but just simply a gift. It was a Pandora charm bracelet with one charm added. There were dozens to choose from and they felt like the charm representing "Inner Strength" was for me. They went on to pay me a great compliment..they too seem to think I'm a strong person who shows courage. I was totally surprised and honored to have them feel this way about me! While the bracelet is beautiful, their kind words and thoughts are more! We have so many awesome people in our lives :)
Hello Ding-Bat!!
I felt lonely and wondered why I never have comments lol?! Ok so I'm not Blogger savvy but I realized that I didn't have the "comment" section set up!! Hopefully I've done it right now. If I haven't and you have my info text me and let me know :)
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